Making Babies (and making dinner when possible)

The house of ridiculous funk

2012-02-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

If I actually took the time to elaborate on the events that took place in the past week, I would be sitting here typing for hours. So I'll cut the chase and hand over the meat of the story. You remember that little cold Sophia got the day of the dance? Well that little cold was caught by one Ava. I figured it would last as long as Sophia's, it being so brief and not at all slowing Sophia down. But that cold turned into the infamous RSV. The very same RSV that we were so terrified of Ava contracting last year, that we spent thousands of dollars in a series of shots that lasted the duration of RSV season. RSV isn't contagious, it's actually an innocent common cold that goes sinister in children under 2 years of age or those with a compromised immune system. Just like with the common cold, you have to let RSV run its course. Let me tell you, I know now why RSV is no joke. I completely understand why the girl's pediatrician timed her pregnancy and birth of her children around it. Why she said, "Oh good, you are having your baby after RSV season" when we had our initial consult before Sophia was born, and why she said, "You're expecting during RSV season" when I told her the girl's due date.

Oh right, this was supposed to be the short version.

I took Ava into the pediatrician's office early Wednesday morning because I knew she had an ear infection and she had also started wheezing and breathing funny during breakfast. Her funny breathing turned into struggling for breathing. I was sent home with a nebulizer that steams steroid into her lungs to allow her to breathe, treatments to be performed every 4 hours. On the drive home, I thought to myself I can do this. I brought her home when she was still having brady's for crying out loud. Nothing was scarier than that. I can do this. I was also hopped up on crazy pregnancy hormones back then, which I contribute to how capable I was of tackling just about anything with superhuman strength. Now? No hormones of that kind to be found. Can those things be prescribed? Because that was some good shit.

Right, I'm keeping this story short.

So we get home, and my sister in-law is there with Sophia and the home visit vet, called in because our dog also seemed to be under the weather. I was told it could be a number of things wrong with him, but here is some medication that he needs 2 times a day, to be fed on an empty stomach, in combo with OTC Pepcid AC that needs to be given 2 hours after the other medicine...and I still hadn't gone to the pharmacy to fill Ava's prescription for antibiotics and steroid treatments. I started feeling a little over overwhelmed. So off to the pharmacy I run, mentally calculating the chart I will have to make to keep this mess straight. When I returned home, Ava's breathing started getting bad again, I hadn't figured out the doses, the machine, or anything. I panicked and called my mom. My mom heard my panic and packed her bags. My mother in-law must have felt my panic because she called and came over right away. What is it about grandma's arms? Ava fell asleep immediately in Noni's arms and I got my freaking freak-out contained. Oh, did I mention we were up all night the night before because Ava was sick. Oh and Rick came down with the cold too. So I was just getting things under control with my mom running interference, when the vet tells us that she believes the dog has liver cancer. Or an ulcer. But 95% sure it's liver cancer. But he's really lived his life expectancy, and really we just want to make him comfortable.

And then Friday happens. Sophia tells us she has a stomach ache. And then she starts to puke. Nonstop. Until 1am. And then Rick gets hit with it on Saturday. And then I get hit with it on Sunday. And then poor Ava, recovering from RSV and still on antibiotics, gets it on Sunday evening. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to puke, and I wanted my babies to get better. I'm not good with impossible situations, but I'm determined. So we got through it, Rick and I rallying together.

And then Monday happens. Rick has poison oak from head to toe. But he has an appointment anyway to see a dermatologist for some suspected skin cancer this week, so hopefully this will get resolved. Seriously. This was our week.

Sophia cracked me up during this whole thing. She kept rolling her eyes and saying, "Will this torment ever cease?!" It's a line from a book I read her at night. I was pretty impressed at her ability to put such big words to work in an unbelievably perfect scenario for its use.

January: Things I want to remember

2012-01-31T09:40:00.000-08:00

I'm shamelessly stealing an idea from my sister in-law, Dione. She made a photobook about the things she wanted to remember and I loved it. I thought it would be a great idea for a blog post to wrap up our months.
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Things I want to remember:

Sophia making up words and telling me they are Spanish or French or Italian, explaining their meaning as she says the words over and over and uses them in a sentence.

Ava wrapping her arms around my neck and squeezing so tightly she grunts.

Sophia making up silly jokes, which are not at all funny but we laugh hysterically because they make no sense.

The look on Noni's face when she was pulling the string on the popper New Years Eve.

Ava taking a few steps and then lunging for me because she's not quite ready to take off on her own just yet.

Rick having a slow month and being able to spend a lot of family time together. While it was an adjustment in the beginning, it really was great to have him around so much.

My mom's excitement for taking us (well, taking Sophia really....Ava and I just tagged along) on the train ride at the Fountains.

How excited Sophia was to do "Face Time" with the iPad to her cousins and then becoming totally mute when they showed up on the screen.

The impromptu 49er playoff party at our house.

Sophia planting herself in the middle of her cousin Chris and his girlfriend Calla on the couch. Jealous much?

Playing hours of Candy Land and the Owl game, with Sophia legitimately beating Rick and I every time.

Ruger peeing on the photographer's basket of props. He hates the camera and we invaded his backyard with a photo shoot of the girls for an hour or 2. Once the camera was put away, he immediately ran over to her stuff and peed right on it.

Parents coming up to me and telling me their kid talks about Sophia all the time at home. (I hope it's all good stuff!)

Speaking of stuff, Sophia coming over and sitting on my lap and saying, "Mommy, let's talk about stuff."

Dione sending me a picture of Alyssa wearing a shirt with "Sassy" on the front, but also wearing a scarf with the shirt that effectively blocked out the "S" and "Y" in the word.

Laughing so hard at one family member's (to remain nameless because she'd kill me) sweat pants and the unfortunate place a hole appeared. I can't go into detail, but these are things I want to remember afterall.

Father Daughter Dinner Dance III

2012-01-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

Before Daddy came home to sweep her away to the annual Father Daughter Dinner Dance, I was able to take a few pictures of the princess. It's really fun to compare how much she's grown each year from the first to the second, and now this year with the anticipation leading up to the dance, it's really cute.

But my princess woke up with the sniffles. And not princess sniffles. The thick snot-nosed, hard to breathe kind of sniffles that woke us up early in the morning and I thought oh no, not today! But the show must go on, because there was no way--well maybe a stomach flu--that she was going to miss out. I'd give the sickness excuse for why she's not in full smile mode in these pictures, but it's not actually true. She's gone from not wanting to smile, to plastering a crazy forced smile that just drives me crazy. OK, it's a stage and I should accept it, but it's so forced and so crazed, I'm not sure these are the pictures I want to look back on. Of course, I don't delete them, but keep them in the archives when the day comes that I'll miss that crazed forced smile. However today I like that I know something you don't know look much better.

Well hello there 2012

2012-01-25T08:32:00.000-08:00

This may be the first year in the last 5 years that the focus is not on making a baby, trying to hold onto a pregnancy, or recovering from a pregnancy related trauma. 2012 started off with some major organization overhaul, all because of the lovely new shed that is currently housing everything that was packed away to the gills in closets and random storage areas. This shed set off a chain of organizational events that we haven't seen around here since the big move in. Rick got super focused on making the most of his new space in the garage, which led to the lower lot, which led to the closet, which led to the tax receipts, and so on and so on. I was all aboard until we got hit by some sinus/respiratory funk that derailed all my motivation and completely knocked the wind from my sails.

So here we are 1 month into 2012 and I am exhausted. In my quest to make real goals for the new year, I may have gotten a little too ambitious. It's time to slow down a bit and take it all one step at a time. Barring any end of the world nonsense, I need to remind myself that I do have a whole 11 more months to check off my to-do lists. But man, was I in the zone there for a few weeks. It felt good to accomplish those nagging little things that weigh on your mind month after month. Riding on the high of that sense of achievement, getting caught up in that can of worms, it's easy to want to keep it going. Now that the bulk of the work is done, I'm initiating a maintenance mode on myself to take it down a notch.

Enough about cleaning house. 2012 has also started out with lots of reflection. I get this overwhelming sense of love and contentment that hits me out of nowhere lately. The other night I was washing bottles and listening to Rick, Sophia and Ava playing in the living room, and I wanted to cry tears of joy. It's this new emotional me, I guess. Right at this moment, I'm happy. Even with the self-inflicted Project Organize, I couldn't be more content. I'm so used to looking forward to where I want to be that its taken some time to adjust to that feeling of just being in the here and now. My new motto for 2012 is "Be Present."

Sophia says...

2012-01-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if Sophia is picking up on old sayings and just interpreting them in her way, or if she's just that funny, but here are some words of wisdom in the past week:

"Mommy, watch: I can run and chew bubblegum at the same time."

One morning when the local news was on, they showed a picture of Michele Bachmann and Sophia says, "Mommy, that lady is running for President of the United States. But she's not in very good shape."

And on another patriotic note, "Mommy my blood is red and that means I'm an American."

Our goldfish Cleo died the other day. I told Sophia that Cleo died and she said she wanted to send Cleo to heaven. I found a cardboard jewelry box and she decorated the box with stickers and artwork, and asked for something cushy for her to lay on. She took the box and said, "get in the car mom, we gotta drive to heaven."

And Sophia may not be a ballerina one day, but she's going to be a mean breakdancer.

Ah Christmas...

2012-01-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

As much as we played up to Christmas, boy did it happen insofastseedoflightandthenitsover. I have mixed feelings about this. I really want to enjoy it. But I also want to shape it. I'm trying to figure out how to do both. And at the same time, I am so happy to say good-bye to Christmas the very next day. I want to de-clutter and un-decorate. I feel the need to clean out the dust-ridden decorations and pine needles (which are like little needles of death for a crawling-everything-goes-in-your-mouth baby). I had these images of Ava getting this awful cough which were followed by x-rays that showed a pine needle lodged in her lung that caused a tumor, which caused permanent damage...see where I'm going here? Yeah, p.s.y.c.h.o. I think we made out unscathed, by the way. And apparently I've been a very good girl. My letter to Santa must have made some waves in the North Pole. Ava's 2 front teeth came through the day after Christmas, with a palpable relief felt by all (OK, really felt by me.) And as of today, my amazing 8x10 shed built by Rick sits proudly next to the house, half full immediately following completion of the roof. You better believe I expunged the contents of 2 closets, garage shelves, and the heater closet (I was informed it's not the smartest move to store woven baskets and table clothes in a closet where the heating unit is also present) quicker than you can say "Merry Christmas." Rick is lobbying for some space and, lalala, I can't hear him. Santa also catapulted me into the 21st century with an iPad. I've been very unplugged from technology since trying to get pregnant with Sophia. I was literally up all night for the next few nights trying to figure out how the iPad was going to sync into my life and make it all organized. And then I got sidetracked by trying to beat Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja. Rick and I are waging a very competitive war for highest score, and it's getting ugly. I also downloaded a book on iBook app. As if I couldn't sink further into the iPad blackhole. So with all levels of Angry Birds completed with 3 stars, currently on top with the highest score of Fuit Ninja, and having just finished the John Grisham novel, I am coming up for air before I discover that there really is an app for everything my heart desires. We have yet to figure out if this thing is pure poison or pure nirvana.
But enough about my spoiled bratness. Sophia loves her dinosaur and she brought it to Show and Tell for her first day back to preschool. I realized that her first bike wasn't all the rage, in fact I never knew it wasn't intuitive to know how to pedal. But it's work in progress. Let's just say that Sophia and Ava are loved and spoiled and they are playing with every toy, all a big hit. My heart is full right now and I am very content. I am so very blessed, and even without toys and the iPad (well, I'm not sure I could give up my iPad right now) I am so grateful for our families and friends and the kid's cousins, and I could go on and on. But I will end with some pictures to recap our holiday fun.

We made Reindeer food to lure in the fleet

Christmas Eve with the girls literally climbing the walls

Christmas morning at Noni and Papa's

Ava is so close to walking

2012-01-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

We've been cruising the halls lately.

Be back soon to update on our Christmas recap...

Noni's Ravioli

2011-12-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

When Rick and I started dating, he had a wild boar leg that he had hunted, cured it for prosciutto, and stored it in his cupboard to shave off bit by bit for snacking. He had a fresh rotisserie chicken ready to eat after a night of drinking. His fridge had the predictable contents of lettuce and veggies to make a salad, rib eye steak, and a whole roaster chicken, some A1 sauce, ketchup, and a few Coors Lights. Basic. Simple. When I came into the picture, things got a lot more complicated in the kitchen. The fridge has more condiments and leftovers than is necessary. Every cupboard is filled with gidgets and gadgets. But one thing that has remained the same is the yearly tradition of making Noni's Ravioli from scratch. The process has changed since the first time I was allowed to participate in making the coveted secret recipe. The first time, I was only allowed to help assemble the ravioli after the filling had been made. The second year, I was able to help procure the ingredients, but not allowed to look at the recipe. The third year, I was able to see the recipe and help make the filling. The fourth year, I was able to make the filling, while he made the dough. And since then we've found our place in the tradition of ravioli making. I make the filling, Rick makes the dough and rolls the dough. Rick fills the dough, and I cut the squares and pack them into boxes. It takes most of the day, and it's actually hard work. Harder work when you factor in babies and naptime, playtime and snacks. The paper the recipe is written on has yellowed and frayed. The writing is starting to fade. I'll eventually have to rewrite it, before it's lost forever. This year, Sophia showed some interest in the process. It was one of those moments where I realized that this is a tradition I hope she and Ava carries on. I know her Noni would be proud of that, and I'd like to believe her great-Nonis would be pretty proud too.

Dear Santa...

2011-12-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
I've been a good girl. I really have. So I am begging you to work a little miracle here and let those two front teeth break through for Ava. If she could speak words, I know she'd ask for them too. I think we all have that on our list to you, that all Ava wants for Christmas is her 2 front teeth. Can't be too hard to remember for you, right? I mean, it's a popular song this time of year. I hope you read this and it's sticking in your head like the Lexas commercial song is stuck in mine. Sophia actually put on her list that she wants you to bring Ava a sweater. I'm not sure where she came up with that, so it might be a little misleading to you. She needs those teeth to break through!

Wait, so would that be Ava's present or mine? Because if it's not too much bother, I really want a Tuff Shed. I asked my husband for one and apparently that was the worst offense to a contractor. He can't understand why I'd want to PAY for someone to come in and build something in 1 day, paint it, and then leave. Finished. Done. In 1 day! He knows he can build one bigger and better. It may take all of his little free time, it might not have a roof until 2013 or get painted until 2014, but it will be so much better. Oh, and it will have room to put his stuff, too. I'm not sure he understands that I just want a little shed to hold only my stuff. We share the garage now, and somehow my stuff always ends up in the rafters, with no ladder in sight. So if one of your elves could just drop off the Tuff Shed in the place my husband has taken 2 days to clear out the space for his, I mean "my" future shed to go in that would be awesome.

I know you've gotten Sophia's letter by now. I bet you got a little chuckle that she had a dinosaur, baseball and football on her list. And we can't forget Ava's sweater, haha. One of your elves mentioned that she'd be getting that dinosaur. Cool. Does this mean she'll be hunting with Daddy when she gets older? Because I'm seeing a trend here and I just want to be prepared for next year when she's asking for a mini clay pigeon set or something. What happened to Barbie and Baby Feels So Real? Her Daddy calls her a chip off the old block. I guess I'm just a little jealous that she'd rather work with Daddy than want to change Ava's diaper and be Mommy's Little Helper.

Oh and Rick was super easy. Like he is every year. Work boots. Really? I bet you have that wrapped up and ready to go before anyone else on the list. Does he really want work boots or is this a metaphor to something? I just can't imagine that there isn't some hidden message there somewhere and I'm not getting it.

Santa, I know you are working hard right now so I'll keep this short. Remember...All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. All the other stuff, that can wait.

Love,
Cara

Life lesson: don't go into Hallmark if you're already weepy

2011-12-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

I was having an off day. There were too many not-so-right things happening, adding up to a perfect storm of emotions and fragility. I should know better to hunker down and let it pass. But then again, this new emotional me is still so, well, new. Rick was home for an unexpected afternoon, so I jumped at the opportunity to run quick errands without the girls. (Two girls in car seats does not a quick trip make.) I needed to keep it local for the quickness part, so off to the local mall I went. Let me just tell you I'm highly disappointed in our town these days. I've been highly disappointed in our fellow citizens who make very bad choices in their life that significantly impacts how safe I feel for my family. I just feel like people are doing desperate things during desperate times. I will step of my soap box about it, because this is not the place to rant about local crime. Our local mall is not the best place to go on a good day, and this wasn't a particularly good day for me. But again, quick and efficient was my plan for errands. I had a few ideas I wanted to entertain in Hallmark. Focused on the prize, I simply had tunnel vision. But then the prize was not to be found and I had to browse for other options. This is the life lesson part. I started reading inspirational placards and looking at those Willow Tree angels and my mind traveled quickly to not so pleasant places. Now here was the true test: fight or flight? I could have walked right out of there and booked it straight home to do what I should have done in the first place--hunker down. But then I was already here and I needed to get those things checked of the Christmas list. So I made myself a compromise; keep it together until I found my purchases and then go home without another errand to run. And that's what I did. The drive home gave me plenty of time to pull it back together and get on with the mommy duties. But you better believe I will not walk into Hallmark again if I have the slightest bit of emotions running through my blood. I'm still trying to put my finger on what set things spiraling into an emotional free fall in the first place. It's almost like a window opens up in my brain and releases such intense pain and sorrow, and then with all my effort and will I inch that window closed and go on with the day. I wonder if that's how one would feel all the time--that intensity of emotions--if one actually used their whole potential of brain? I'll stop now, so as not to get too philosophical and Pink Floyd on everyone.

I do know that something in my subconscious conjured up thoughts of Julia. I have this milestone coming up of when Ava came home from the hospital and I was able to start tagging happy memories to certain things again. It's been almost over a year of haunted memories and I'm looking forward to the happy ones diluting the sad ones a bit. I find that as Ava gets older, the conversation is shifting to a more comfortable level of small talk with other parents at the park or just public places that put strangers in the path of conversation. "Is she starting to walk?" replaces "Where did you give birth?" and all those other newborn baby questions that are seemingly innocent unless you are faced with someone dealing with loss and the struggle of a premature baby in the NICU. Where I would silently place Julia in parenthesis when talking about my pregnancy and only talking about Ava while feeling disingenuous for not mentioning Julia, or saying "she" when my mind screamed "THEY." Now questions about Ava's place as a little sister or teething or crawling, all that fun stuff is in the forefront of idle chat. I never really had a staged answer in those days of newborn-ness, and I'm sort of relieved that the frequency of that awkward conversation has passed. But I'm now reminded that as those topics become more infrequent, the feeling of loss doesn't along with it. And as I used to brace for those inevitable questions, now when one comes out of the blue I feel sucker punched.

That night after the mall experience, when the girls were tucked in to sleep, all I wanted to do was zone out to some light TV. Rick asked if I was coming to bed soon and I told him I just needed to decompress a bit. He sat down next to me and asked if I wanted to talk about it. This was a huge step for him. In the past, we've tiptoed through these moments and then I'd give him my full wrath of anger that he avoided me during the time I needed him. I should have told him how I was feeling but instead I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. He did exactly what I wanted him to do and I did the exact opposite of what I should have done in response. I guess it goes to show that there is no right answer, only the in-this-moment type of reaction. And you know what's amazing about Rick, what is exactly what I needed at that moment? He went to bed, and he never held it against me. I would have confronted him with it, would have thrown it back in his face that we had talked about this before. So as much as I chide him about those "man" things I have to put up with, I really do appreciate that he is just that sometimes. Another life lesson to wrap up my Hallmark day.

Crafts bust

2011-12-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

The ants got to the gingerbread house (which totally looks like a train, Kathy! I get it. Or a mobile home. Ha!) Sophia was super bummed she wasn't going to get to eat the whole thing. I didn't break it to her that she never actually would get to eat it, so I guess she probably took it better that the ants got some instead, and I got to avoid the inevitable meltdown if it went straight from display to the trash. The ants are her friends, you know. I'm usually all about telling children how it really is. I don't go into detail, but I don't usually lie. I keep it simple, to the point. Questions like, "Mommy, where is your daddy?" Are answered very simple: "My daddy died." And if she wants to know more, I give more simple answers. She's actually told me that my brother is now my daddy, since I need a daddy. Um, no thanks. Ah, this is a fun age. Anyway, back to the ants. We've been trying to keep the ants out, but at the tiniest hint of precipitation, those suckers come marching right in and making themselves at home. Quite cozy they are, with a baby that eats off the floor and a preschooler that leaves crumb trails wherever she goes. So at first we told Sophia the truth about what we were doing with the ants. She wailed, "Those are my friends! Don't kill my friends!" Well, now we say we are feeding them, so they won't try to take our food. Not really a lie, because they are eating the "food" but it keeps her from knowing the end result. I should have known they would seek out the candy display no matter where I put it. But again, could have been worse. Could have had a resentful child adding one more thing to her list of things to hold against me. I'm still getting glared at for throwing away her Halloween candy.

Now about the bird feeder. I'm sure it would work great if it were in a different place. Mainly, away from the house. I know the birds are eating it, so it's not a total bust. We just can't enjoy them eating it because they fly away as soon as we creep towards the window. Can't hang it in the tree, too many squirrels.

Stay tuned for the reindeer food. I'm sure there will be a story about that one too.

Calendar enforced crafts round 1

2011-12-08T10:50:00.001-08:00

Deck the halls

2011-12-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

You know how when you have this perfect scene in your head about how you want your day to go and then it goes just not the way you plan? That's pretty much what I face every time I try to capture a moment. I'm not spontaneous, go with the flow, roll with the punches. I need to know what is going on when and plan accordingly. I need to set expectations and have them met or I get a little twitchy. I'm not proud of this, although it made a mean project and product manager in my past life. With children, this does not fly. I think Rick began easing me into the reality of the here and now way before children. We are both the sign of the Leo, have our birthdays one day after the other, but are complete polar opposites when dealing with a planned event. I must show up on time, he must eventually show up. I must know where, what, why and when, and he is happy to get in the car and start driving. I'd like to say we've both adapted slightly to each other's personality, but that's not really the case. It's more like we've mostly accepted that it's the way it is. But when my camera comes out, the opposing forces rear their ugly head. If my camera comes out during a special occasion, watch out. He'd like to live in the moment and I'd like to capture the moment. Oh I see how silly it sounds writing this out; I sound a little nuts. So Friday we had decided would be a good day to pick out the tree and decorate. Last year I was preoccupied with Ava in the NICU, and while we did everything the same, my heart wasn't fully in it. This year, I wanted to make it big. Big mistake right there. Expectations set super high. Wouldn't you know that on the day we set to pick our tree would be mid 70 degrees, and my long sleeved shirts designed for the girls to wear would be almost sweltering? But they wore them anyway. The visit to the lot was so short actually, that I think we beat last year's record. The very first tree we saw happened to be perfect. Deal done, Rick wanted to book it home. I wanted to capture the moment.

While he ran off with the tree tag to pay, I attempted to take some pictures of the girls at the lot, in blinding sunlight, not the perfect setting for taking pictures. I found some shade, but still not ideal.

When we got home, we realized the tree was way too tall for the space assigned, so off went about 1 foot of beautiful tree, which made the rest look a little trim and lean. But roll with it I did. And then came time for decorations. Wouldn't you know I am highly allergic to our tree this year? Sneezing, wheezing kind of allergic reaction during decorating. The allergens must have traveled to the vents, because I have an attack now every time the heater comes on. After the hot spell, it became quite cold. The heater is on most of the day now. My nose is chapped. So while decorating the tree, I have made it tradition to drink hot chocolate. I really wanted a picture of Sophia drinking the hot chocolate after the tree was trimmed. I told Sophia we could try to make a white chocolate peppermint and she was so excited. I handed her the mug and told her to sit next to the tree. I ran out of the room to get my camera and during the few seconds I was out, she had put the cup down to get better purchase of her makeshift seat. Wouldn't you know it upset the cup of hot chocolate, ensuing a full blown temper tantrum.

Of course I made her a new cup because I had only made enough for one round. If I were better at making lemons into lemonade, or turning half empty glasses into half full during all of those little things that go wrong, I would probably have less gray hair and lower blood pressure. But the amazing thing that happens after a few days go by? I laugh at those things. And then years later? I look back at the one picture that actually captured the moment I wanted it to be, and I get all warm and happy. I even look at the bad pictures and they don't look all that bad--cute really. So maybe it's not immediate gratification, but I know I will have those memories forever. Even though it may be shaving years off my life in the process.

Sophia says...

2011-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

dry cold air really does wonders to Sophia's hair while jumping on the trampoline

At dinner tonight I make the comment I always make. "Sophia, don't just eat your bread." She replies, "I'm not. I'm trying to eat the butter."

We were going to a dinner that Santa was attending the other night. Sophia tells me I need to get ready. "Mommy, you need to go get ready so you can look beautiful." I was in my sweats, glasses, hair up in pony tail, the usual for a Saturday. I ask her if she thinks I'm beautiful the way I am. She replies, "No. You need to go get pretty right now."

Countdown Christmas

2011-11-30T12:47:00.001-08:00

Let the countdown begin! 25 days until Christmas, starting tomorrow. The countdown to Disney was such a hit, I decided to up the challenge on my craftiness and make an Advent calendar out of felt. I saw an idea in a popular store magazine and decided "hey, I can do that!" so I did. I'm actually pretty happy with the results, given that I had all the accessories to make the embellishments in my sewing kit, Sophia's crafts, and leftover odds and ends from party stuff. Oh, and my trusty glue gun! My sister in law sent me some ideas for the days, which I mixed up with some days including activities and some days including chocolate kisses. I started to panic thinking that I'd have to commit to 25 days of activities that I know Sophia would absolutely hold me accountable to, so I threw in a chocolate reprieve here and there. Here's what I came up with for Sophia's activities (not in any particular order:

Hang wreath outside

Make reindeer food for Santa’s reindeers

Pick out Christmas tree and decorate

Drive around to see holiday lights

Make sugar cookies and decorate

Paint nails red

Make bird feeder out of pine cone

Watch Christmas TV special

Take picture with Santa

Write letter to Santa

Make paper snowflakes

Decorate cards for teachers at school

Read Christmas book

Starbucks for hot chocolate and treat

Gingerbread house project

Grandma's girls

2011-11-29T14:10:00.000-08:00

Fall flavors

2011-11-21T13:58:00.000-08:00

Mushroom Pate
I got the hankering for some Fall foods last week. We had gone to a dinner party, and I had wanted to contribute something. I started to think about something light yet satisfying, and wanted it to taste like autumn. Mushrooms. I flipped through some ideas in my cookbooks, went online to Food Network for some inspiration, and settled on a mushroom pate posted from Emeril's recipe. But I don't follow recipes, so if you do then I think Emeril's looks great. If you want some inspiration to make your own concoction, here's what I did. I soaked 1 package of dried porcini mushrooms and 1 package of dried crimini mushrooms until tender. Reserve the mushroom broth, after draining out any sand or dirt. Put a large saute pan (any deep, wide pot would work) on medium high and added 2tablespoons of butter, 1 large shallot and 1 clove of garlic to saute. I added to my Cuisinart in batches the following: 2 prewrapped packages mini-bellos, 2 prewrapped packages button mushrooms, 4 portobello mushrooms, and then the reconstituted dried mushrooms. Blend until finely chopped, and then add to the saute pan. I added 1 heaping teaspoon of thyme after the mushrooms had cooked for a few minutes, and salt and pepper to taste at this point. Saute until very well cooked, about 10-15 minutes on med. high. Add some reserved broth if they don't give off a lot of juices on their own. Add 2 heaping tablespoons of cream cheese and mix well. I think Emeril's recipe used goat cheese, but I didn't want any competing flavors. At this point, I added everything back to the Cuisinart and blended until it reached a "pate" texture. It didn't look pretty, but I loved the intense mushroom flavor from the porcini. For extra decadence, drizzle truffle oil over before serving. I served on toasted crostini.

Mushroom Ravioli
We had lots of leftover mushroom pate and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I used it for filling in a ravioli. I added 1/2 cup of grated parm cheese to the 2 cups of filling. I set up the flat pasta dough attachment to the Kitchen Aid, only to discover it must have broke during our last ravioli marathon. So I hand rolled the dough for the ravioli, not something I was too happy about adding another step. Sophia helped make the dough and knead it.
I used the simple pasta dough recipe in Joy of Cooking, and found it to be a better texture than the recipe we use from the Kitchen Aid cookbook. I made a very light cream sauce with sage that Sophia picked (sage was her idea, my little chef in the making) from the herb garden, and also added some lemon zest to brighten up the flavors. I was thinking I could have made something similar except in lasagna form next time, maybe add a ricotta layer and spinach.

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Pumpkin Pie
We had 7 pumpkins from our garden this year, so I had to do something with at least one of them. Sophia wanted pumpkin seeds, and I decided to roast the flesh for pumpkin pie, maybe use some of the leftover flesh for Ava to eat. I don't typically bake, so pumpkin pie from scratch was a learning experience. Next time, I will let the pulp drain overnight. It was too runny straight from the blender. The leftover flesh that I cubed and stored in the fridge overnight had a lot of excess moisture, so lesson learned there. However, the pumpkin pie had a good flavor, just not the texture I was used to. I see why the canned pumpkin is so popular.

Pumpkin Risotto
I had at least 5 more cups of pureed pumpkin, so I made a risotto, using 1 cup of the puree that I added to the chicken broth. I also added some of the Cocoa Spice Rub from Napa Style at the last minute, which gave it a sweet savory taste. This would make a mean rice pudding with some heavy cream, hold the onion.

Giving thanks

2011-11-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

I could probably copy and paste what I wrote last year with a few additions and notations. I find that this time of year may be more difficult than last year. Last year I was still riding high on adrenaline, hormones, and sheer will to survive the whole chaos of Ava in the NICU and my Mom's ailments and hospital stay. We were sure a messed up sort. So many parts of this time last year are a blur, or lost completely. We somehow managed to drive up to my Mom's before her surgery to celebrate an early Thanksgiving dinner, unsure if that would literally be her last meal or if she would be able to avoid the colostomy. Everything I did was centered around visits to Ava at the NICU, a constant feeling of being pulled in the wrong direction, needing to be with Ava and needing to be with Sophia, not being able to place myself in two places at the same time (or 3 places, when I nervously waited for a phone call to find out how my Mom's surgery went).
Thank goodness for pictures of Sophia, or this last year would have felt like I completely missed how quickly her hair grew, how her faced thinned out from toddler to preschooler. I get angry that almost an entire year feels robbed of enjoying Sophia grow during that time. And then I get angry at myself for feeling that way, because it all could have been worse. And I remind myself how thankful I truly am for all of the support we had, the people that helped with Sophia so that I could spend time with Ava, to heal from surgery, to just focus on what had to be done then.
It may be awhile before I get around to individually thanking everyone for their donations to Cincinnati Children's hospital. I want to properly thank everyone, and while the holidays are so busy I am afraid it may get lost in the shuffle. So this is my temporary place card to you. And while I was focused of the memory of Julia, some of you reminded me that Ava is to be honored, too. It was a delightful surprise to read those donations in Ava's name as well. She is such an honor to all of us. Her spirit is so big, it feels like it's just bursting out of her in the form of determination and will (my aching back and toned biceps are proof to it).
A big THANK YOU for all of your continued support, and for sharing this journey with me.

Dinner for Grandpa

2011-11-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

My grandpa Lee turned 91 last week. I can tell you many moments of awesomeness from this man. He is inspiring. He grew up dirt poor, without even the bare necessities. He had to hunt for his food. He worked for "old man Coors" in Colorado. He was a fighter pilot in WWII, and to this day when questioned about driving, he'll give a curt "I was a fighter pilot, so don't tell me how to drive." He logs everything in his journal. He can tell you how much electricity they used in the house in 1982, or how long it to him to walk 4 miles yesterday--up to the very last second. When he retired, he didn't slow down. He always has a list of projects, and a schedule that he keeps each day. He still has his office, as I imagine it looks similar to how his office looked at work. I remember when I was younger, probably 10 years old, maybe I had stayed the night or our family was over for the day. Anyway, I knocked on the ajar door and there he was behind his desk, reading the paper. He looked over the top of his bifocals and said, "Come in Cara, have a seat," as he gestured to the chair opposite of his on the other side of the desk. "What can I do for you?" I imagine this is the same reaction he'd give one of the employees under his charge. He is a simple man. Never complains, never fusses. He is stubborn. He has endless love and patience for his grandchildren and great grandchildren. We all look up to him.

When we were little, Sunday drives were common. We would often include my grandparents, the endpoint being dinner at a restaurant. The first time I saw a rack of lamb was one they ordered after a day trip to Capitola. It came to the table with those funny hats on each end of the bone, and mint jelly on the side. It was the oddest thing to see, from the eyes of a young child. So last night, I decided to make rack of lamb. I didn't use those funny caps, but I did include mint jelly. I started the meal with fennel and onion soup, served with mushroom pate on toasted baguette. Our salad was of mixed greens with goat cheese, glazed walnuts and dried cranberries, with a simple lemon vinaigrette. The lamb chops were served with roasted root vegetables. I made a mud pie for dessert. We had a great time talking about the past, about the present, and just being goofy with Sophia and Ava. It's rare to enjoy time with only my grandparents these days. Its typically the big events that bring us together, among the chaos of large crowds and chasing children. We don't really get the chance to have relaxing conversation. Last night delivered, and it was awesome, just like my grandpa Lee.

Tis the season for colds

2011-11-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

Sophia and Ava didn't wait long to welcome the cold and flu season. This is probably what prompted my "Do you ever..." post the other day. It's been, um, challenging to say the least, around here. It's not really the cold symptoms that is the challenge. Well, besides Ava. It's really hard to get that thick snot wiped up or sucked out (yuck, just writing "sucked out" makes me gag). Ava is superhuman strong when she puts up a fight, so I guess she is physically challenging. Sophia is mentally challenging. She is not the type to lay back and watch TV when sick. I think a cold actually gives her more energy. Makes for a really bad situation when cooped up in the house. I've discovered that Ava also doesn't let a cold slow her down, and she is the "get out and about" type of girl. There is no getting out and about now that the weather has turned downright cold (add rain to today's forecast). I'm beyond the creative, "I've got an idea for a project!" and moved into the brooding, "I may need to call Super Nanny if I have to take one more day of this" stage. Good thing both girls had an awesome night of sleep last night. The human spirit is so amazing that just one night of good sleep completely wiped out the desperation of the last entire week of piggyback wakefulness between Ava and Sophia, including the hacking cough that kept me awake, in tuned to their fight to breathe. Oh, and I had the flu the week before so I guess that would be almost two weeks of very little sleep. But last night was awesome. And this morning was amazingly calm and whine free. So we are turning a corner here, in the house of sickness. Only to be reminded that this is just the beginning and the fact that it's Sophia's first year surrounded by classmates, that maybe I should stock up on tea and coffee for the long winter haul.

Do you ever...

2011-11-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

Avoid eye contact with your child while they are playing happily by themselves in fear that they'll notice you made eye contact and then immediately start screaming for attention?

Say no to a messy project or play dough for the day of and next day following mopping your floors?

Base your menu around how clean your kitchen is or what your kid is wearing because you just don't want to change those clothes or bust out the vacuum or broom to clean up after?

In the chill of the night...

2011-11-01T09:24:00.001-07:00

She arrives just in time! Spider Girl, Spider Girl; friendly neighborhood Spider Girl.
Sophia was the fearless super hero until we happened upon a haunted house, complete with zombies. Then she jumped into daddy's arms and announced that trick-or-treating was over. She wanted nothing to do with anything after those zombies. In the car on the way to Noni's, Sophia proclaimed that she no longer liked Halloween. I think her aunts managed to change her mind once at Noni's house. It was the nightmare before Christmas over there, complete with much loot and goodies. Glad to have left Noni's until last, hopefully giving her a happy ending after the fright.

Ava was as snug as strawberry in a strawberry patch. I feel redeemed after having failed with Sophia's first Halloween costume, in which she absolutely refused to wear the bunny outfit. Ava was very compliant, and didn't even bother trying to take off the hat.

I, on the other hand, feel like Halloween is a bit cursed for me. I woke up that morning with the flu. Oh, I powered through it all. No way I was going to let some body aches and weakness mess up my Halloween. But come on, can I just have one year where I am completely whole in body and spirit? Last year I was recovering from the c-section, having just been released from the hospital the day before. The year before, I had just found out I was pregnant on Halloween, which ended in an ectopic pregnancy. The year before that, I was pregnant which resulted in a miscarriage. The year before that, I was pregnant with Sophia which was very exciting and also not so much fun to be pregnant on Halloween. So needless to say, I was determined to make this year very un-reproductively focused, even though my right ovary might as well have had a neon sign with "Open for Business" and huge blinking arrows pointing to it, ovulation was that obvious a few days ago. Which seriously, if I were a glutton for punishment, probably would have meant I'd have implanted on Halloween. So NO THANK YOU this year, I wanted to enjoy both my daughter's Halloween stress free. And along came the flu, because apparently something had to mark the occassion. So next year? Next year better be pretty damn spectacular or I may have to change my mind about it being my most favorite holiday.

Happy Birthday Ava

2011-10-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ava's First Year from Cara on Vimeo.

Ava crawls commando style

2011-10-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

2011-10-15T10:57:00.001-07:00

Back from Disneyland! Just a "taste" of one of our character dining experiences while we were there. The wolf motioned to Sophia that he was going to eat Ava. I think Ava understood what he meant, too. More of our trip to be continued...

One serving of paper a day

2011-10-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Some people read the morning paper. Ava eats the morning paper. She gives a new meaning to juicy tabloids when she gets ahold of my magazines.

In Julia Bea's Memory

2011-10-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

The one year angelversary of Julia is quickly approaching. I have wanted to do something in her memory, and to honor the people that work in the field to end the horrible tragedy of miscarriage and stillbirth. Also, to honor the families that silently suffer through miscarriages and stillbirth, and families that are putting every ounce of their being into saving their unborn child(ren).

Looking back, I was fortunate to have such great care and resources to make the decisions we were faced with for both Ava and Julia. Because of this, I believe it is our turn to pay it forward. We have decided to donate to the Fetal Care Center, a part of the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. This is the place that correctly determined the best path to take for our girls growing inside me at the time, regardless of the fact that they would have made a great case study in a medical journal. Instead of looking at making a name for themselves, they looked at our best interest. I know now that we would not have Ava if it were not for them. Sometimes the best decision is really to let fate decide. I imagine that’s a tough call for a surgeon who the main goal is to try to fix things. It is care and giving like that that deserves an acknowledgement. I have included a link to their online donation and form here if you would like to join us in acknowledging the great work of this hospital and staff.

We are also participating in a Remembrance Ceremony through John Muir hospital of Walnut Creek on October 15th for National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Month. I feel that it’s necessary to bring awareness to such a lonely grief of losing a baby through miscarriage or still birth. And I'm dragging Rick along for support, because although he doesn't say much, I know he suffers in his own way through all of this. We are both not very "public" people with stuff like this, so it's stepping out of our comfort zone to attend. It would mean a lot to us if your thoughts were with us this day.

Julia is with me in my thoughts every day. It's been particularly tough to plan Ava's first birthday, knowing that Julia isn't physically here to be next to her sister when we sing happy birthday and blow out that candle. It's been hard to create the slideshow like I did for Sophia's first birthday, knowing there are parts intentionally left out for all of our well being. But it's also been a healing process that I'm forcing myself to face head on. And I know there will be a lot of good that will come out of our tragedy, with work yet to do for people that are faced with situations like or unlike ours that are working to make sense of it all. So for this year, it's a start for things to come to honor Julia's memory.

"When I get older..."

2011-10-03T13:45:00.001-07:00

Sophia is a bit fixated on growing up these days. Many of her statements start with, "When I get older..." It started a few weeks ago when she said, "When I get older I want braces on my teeth." And the other morning it was, "Mommy I'm growing bigger and bigger right?" Uh huh, I replied, knowing what was coming next. "Am I old enough to drink coffee now?" Um, no. Later in the day we were at Costco and she pointed to the beer. "Mommy, what's that?" Beer, I replied. "Mommy, when I get older I'm going to drink beer!" Another proud moment, this time witnessed by others. Some things are pretty funny. "When I get older I'm going to grow hair on my chest just like Daddy" or "When I get older I'm going to have huge nipples!" This morning she made me measure her on her growth chart in her bedroom. She's grown 2 inches in just 6 months! She exclaimed, "I'm almost older now, so I can ride the spinning wheel (Ferris wheel) next time." Today at Target she told me she wanted to be older so she can be in high school. I'm not sure where this fixation comes from right now. Maybe it's a stage? I just know that I really CAN wait until she gets older. And I also hope she won't be drinking beer or coffee when she gets older (or have hair on her chest like Daddy).

This many days until Disneyland

2011-09-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

Last week we started talking to Sophia about our upcoming trip to Disneyland. I should know better by now to mention that we are going to do something at a later date. She is relentless about asking a zillion times if it's that day yet. I've only heard about a billion times so far, "Are we leaving for Disneyland tomorrow?" So today I decided we'd make something to represent how many days until Disneyland, and cut each loop off until "the day" starting tonight. She totally got on board. Hopefully this will keep the questions to a minimum. I'm almost to the point of telling her I'll send her down there early and hand her a 1 way plane ticket. Just kidding. OK, I'll admit that I'm getting pretty excited about the trip, too.

So long Spotty

2011-09-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Not that this will come as a shock to anyone, but Spotty met her (his?) demise shorty after I posted the latest cannibalistic treatment from Cleo. Cleo seems pretty smug of him (her?) self and happily swims alone. Sophia had a brief outburst of tears when we told her Spotty was in heaven, quickly followed by, "Mommy, we need to get THREE more fish now." Sorry sweetie, Cleo is bad company.

There is a cannibal in the tank

2011-09-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

And I thought Cleo and Spotty had become fast friends while stuck in their small baggy for hours. It turns out Cleo has a taste for goldfish fin soup. Spotty is currently missing a flipper, which as entertaining as it is to watch her wobble when she swims like a drunken sailor, it's quite disturbing as well. Sophia asked this morning, "Mommy, what's wrong with Spotty?" And here we go. Flush or wait till the float?

Cleo and Spotty

2011-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Sophia "won" two goldfish on Saturday. The game was a slam dunk, guarantee to win and I had been steering her clear of it from the moment I heard about the inevitable prizes we would acquire. I am less than thrilled to welcome our new inhabitants.

After Sophia went down from her sugar induced coma of a nap, I grudgingly made a trip to the pet store to look for the cheapest goldfish bowl I could find. As I started to add up the expense of a bowl, some gravel, a fake plastic plant, and the food, I realized that the all included kit was actually just as expensive AND you get a filter. The filter would save me a few tank cleanings a month--score. The pet store sales assistant happened by as I was contemplating the cheapest solution to our (I'm fairly certain sure short term) resident's luxury water condo. She asked if I needed help and I told her I just needed the cheapest setup they offered, explained my predicament, and of course I added how I felt about the whole thing. She replies, "Well goldfish can actually live up to 30 years and grow to be 3 feet long, so we would recommend starting out with a 29 gallon tank for the two goldfish you have. Also, you should let the tank cycle and build up the proper environment for at least 2 weeks before adding the fish." I laughed and told her she had to be kidding. She didn't find it too funny. Actually, she handed me a brochure full of goldfish facts, care and maintenance to back up her claim. Not heeding her advice, I grabbed the 1.77 gallon tank boasting "just add water and fish!" on the box, and marched on over to the checkout. The clerk was a little more amused with my laments on our new pets and sent me away with good luck wishes.

Setting up the tank proved to be a little more than "just add water and fish!" It turns out you need a chemist background, or at the very least the ability to deal with division and metric units. Neither which fall under my ability. After adding 5 cap fulls (the equivalent of 25 mL) of some environmental tank agent, I realized the smaller print of the already small print read that the dosage was for a 50 gallon tank. Again, math skills aren't great, but I assume that's just way too much for a 1.77 gallon tank. So I dumped out the water and refilled the tank, figuring whatever residual agent left in the tank would suffice. 2 hours later, the tank was humming along. The tank instructions recommended that the fish stay in their happy little baggy for at least 3 days. Sorry again, but at this point these little (insert profanity here) are literally going to sink or swim. I wasn't actually wishing them an immediate death sentence though, having gone through all this crap to get them a home. So we waited 3 hours and let them free into their new home.

I am happy to report that almost 48 hours later, they seem to be adjusting fine. I'm still nervously awaiting their demise and the sad reality of teaching Sophia the first lesson of life and death. Oh, and how thrilled is Sophia, you might wonder? Sorry, I guess it's not all about me. She really just wants to feed the fish. Rick suggested we put the tank in her room; let it be her responsibility. Actions speak louder than words, and shortly after making this comment we found Sophia trying to lift the tank and shake it. So if we do have 30 years of this, I'd say in maybe the next 5 years, I'd happily move the tank to Sophia room. But for now, Cleo and Spotty will reside in the family room under watchful eyes.

Sophia's first day at preschool

2011-09-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit I was a little more nervous than I had expected about Sophia's first day at preschool. She was so nonchalant the night before, telling Rick and me to stop talking about her big day. I think she internalizes stressful or exciting things. It's another thing she inherited from Rick; I just don't understand internalizing any emotions.

The next morning, I made her a breakfast I thought she would want to eat--pancakes. She hardly touched them. And instead of getting ready for school, she did everything in vain to thwart all efforts. So I figured she must be a bit nervous. Or a typical three year old. When we finally got her ready, she was good to go and off we went. We were one of the first ones there, and waited outside until they opened the doors. Sophia immediately wandered into the play area to explore.

She was confident, curious and ready to start her first day. My hands shook a little as I signed her in. After about 10 minutes, I looked around to see if other parents were leaving and most were still there. I asked one of the teachers when we should leave and she said it was up to me, if Sophia felt comfortable. I asked Sophia if it was OK that I left and she said it was. I asked her if she had any questions and she asked, "Are you going to pick me up from school?" I told her I would. She seemed fine so I gave her a kiss and walked out the door.

I told the teachers to call if there were any problems. When I got home, I literally walked around in circles, trying to figure out what to do with the time I had left. I kept looking at the clock and time seemed to have slowed down. It didn't take long to direct my focus to cleaning up after our hectic holiday weekend, but I kept thinking how weird it was to have Sophia away with strangers for the first time ever.

When I picked her up from her school, she ran over with a big hug and a smile. She told me she wanted to go get a smoothie. She seemed completely unfazed by her big day. I got her in the car and asked her a ton of questions on the drive home. So many questions, that she told me at one point, "Mommy you are driving me nuts." So I stopped asking. What I gathered is that she played the whole time, sang some songs, had rainbow goldfish crackers for a snack, it was fun, and there were a few kids that cried the whole time and wanted to go home. But she didn't cry. We go for day two tomorrow. I will try to act cool and composed, just like my big girl.

Stop running with those scissors!

2011-08-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sophia is going to start preschool next week. You may hear me yelling, "See you later suckers!" as I peel out of the parking lot. I kid. Sort of. I think it will be a good thing for the both of us. As much as I joke about her spirited personality, I do believe she is going places. And when you are in that ray of her focus, it's like nothing else matters. She has something special, that girl. But sometimes that intensity she brings is just so exhausting. Today we went to drop off some paperwork for Ava's high risk program. That could be another post entirely. Anyway, on our way into and out of the building, we met a total of 3 individuals. Each remarked at how smart Sophia was. Boy do these preschool teachers not know what's coming for them. The man we spent the longest time with (the case worker guy for Ava's program) told me as we walked out the door, "I can tell you have a lot of patience. You are blessed. You really are. And that Sophia is so smart." Ha, I have a lot of patience? My empty threats are growing by the day. "Don't make me..." "If you don't knock it off right now missy..." "If I have to come over there..." "I'm going to count to three and then...one, two..." I honestly don't know what the end of those threats are. It's enough for Sophia to hear the first words and then she usually hightails it. Which brings me to my latest yell, "Stop running with scissors!" I'm already yelling at her for running with scissors? How did she grow up this fast? And she can do some scissor work, that one. I have daily piles to clean up now. The recycling bin is going to take a beating this week.

In preparation for preschool, I've found that I am entering uncharted territory with clothes shopping. We have been incredibly lucky that my best friend's girls and my nieces are just old enough where we had a steady rotation of great clothes. Well, that gravy train has officially ended now that Sophia is the same size as all of them. I'm not a great shopper as it is, so this has given me some anxiety. I don't even know my own style, let alone trying to figure out style for Sophia! Oh, and figuring out how many pants, dresses, tops, etc. is a little overwhelming too. But if that's my only concern these days, then we have it pretty good right now.

It was one of those nights

2011-08-25T15:23:00.001-07:00

I had a bad night the other night. It started around midnight, when both of my arms fell asleep while crossed under my pillow that my head was resting on. I was laying on my stomach, and couldn't turn over. I had to wake Rick for help. I can laugh about it now, but oh man was it scary. Once I gained full mobility of my arms and convinced myself I would not be one of those freak situations where I have to have both arms amputated, I dozed back to sleep. About an hour later, Sophia climbs into bed. She had already started out restless, so I anticipated her visit, but not quite so early. Her restlessness continued, and I soon felt feet digging into my neck. After an hour or so, Ava started crying. Lately Ava has been wetting through her diaper, PJs, and bedding. She is a side sleeper and I think the diaper just doesn't do its thing for side sleepers. She wakes up cold and wet and, being lazy in the middle of the night, I typically just deal with what's wet on her and bring her into our bed instead of changing her bedding. But with Sophia in our bed at that point, it was already pretty cozy. So I changed the bedding and brought her into bed just to get her settled back to sleep. When I picked her up to transfer her back to her bed, she wet again, this time getting our bedding wet. I threw a blanket down over the wet spot, got her cleaned up again, and snuggled her into our bed. Cozy as clams we were. Not. I could not get back to sleep.

I'm not good with the middle of the night thoughts. They are haunting. I haven't had to deal with middle of the night thoughts in a while, since Ava is such a star sleeper and no longer requires midnight feedings. However, on this night, those thoughts creep into my head.
Julia
My heart has such a big empty void where Julia should be. She should be waking me up too. She should be physically creating her own little chaos in my night of chaos and frustration. Instead the thought of her fills my mind of what could have been. And I know these are romantic notions, but I can't stop my mind from thinking them. One of the big things I need to get past is that there is no filling the void. With each miscarriage, although painful in so many ways, that void ended up being filled. I wouldn't have had Sophia if I didn't suffer through my first miscarriage. I wouldn't have had Ava if I didn't suffer through the others. But I would have had Julia, had she been able to make it. She was tangible; she was part of a package deal. She was real. I touched her. I held her in my arms. But I didn't get to keep her. And it haunts me. And it frustrates me, because I know she wouldn't have made it, had she survived until birth. But your mind doesn't like reason in the middle of the night. It likes romantic notions.

But then I finally fall asleep with my thoughts, and wake up to a new day. And things seem hopeful and much clearer. It's a bad time of year for me. This is the time when we were going back and forth to Cincinnati, to all the tests and big decisions. I can't believe it's been a whole year. We're working hard on a plan to honor Julia. I want her to be remembered, and I want to make it special. I know that I can't have her, but I can honor her and the meaning of her. I'll let you know when I get it all together.

Late blooming garden

2011-08-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

This year we did a few things differently in the garden. Rick set up a drip system to most of the vegetables. Our new inhabitants to this year's garden feature pumpkins (and lots of them), peppers, and cantaloupe melon. Our regular fare includes beans, tomatoes, 3 kinds of squash, and basil, strawberries and wild blackberries. Our grapes decided to come in this year, too.

Things are finally starting to happen in the garden. It was a late season, the weather has been really mild. However, it's turning out to be worth the wait. I love the drip system, and I think Rick has come around to love it too. He's more of a purist with gardening. He believes things should be watered individually, and by hand. And then I got involved with the gardening (i.e., I was home now so it fell onto me), and well, it seems like lots of very crazy things happen in my life around this time. So in the past few years the plants died, or got over watered, or rotted. And then I think he put 2 and 2 together, and decided maybe the less I have to deal with it, the better. Anyway, crossing my fingers here, but this seems to be our best garden yet. Because I only go out to pull the occasional weed, and to pick what's grown.

Dinner has been easier around here now that the vegetables are coming in. We'll have grilled zucchini squash tonight, sauteed crooked neck squash tomorrow night, and stuffed scalloped squash the night after. Sophia better get used to this, because it seems like squash is on the menu for awhile. I read that you should serve something up to 10 times before the kid agrees to eat it. I believe we are past #10 now. The beans have started to come in, so we'll probably go through the same thing with those. I can't wait to get my hands on some fresh tomatoes. These guys are teasing us at the moment.

So whats for dinner? A whole lot of vegetables!

Ava kneads me

2011-08-21T11:21:00.001-07:00

I try to make a point of laying down with Ava for one nap, or while putting her down for the night. It's a time that I make for just me and her, because there's not a lot of one on one time throughout the day, and Sophia usually calls the shots. It's the squeakiest wheel kind of thing around here, and Sophia sure is squeaky.

Ava likes to knead. She does this when she's in that hypnotic trance rhythm of sucking down her bottle. She grabs at my clothes, just like a cat does. Pretty fitting or a baby who came out mewling like a kitty. But when I'm feeding her the bottle, she can only grab so much. when we are laying down, side by side, she has much more real estate and easier access. My cheeks, my nose, my hair, my shirt and my chest are all within range. It's a good indicator of when she needs her fingernails clipped, for sure. It reminds my of the old Looney Tunes cartoon when that kitty kneads the back of the old bull dog and he just sits there and takes it, because as annoying as it was, he loves that little kitty and wanted to make her happy. That's how I feel. It makes her happy. After a few minutes of that, she slips off to slumber and I get to watch her and enjoy the sleeping baby sweetness for a few minutes.

Speaking of needing (yes, I enjoy the use of puns now and then), Ava is sure making things hard for Rick and I to get away for a bit. It's funny how she is such an easy baby (compared to the squeaky one mentioned above) for me. But she is not so easy when left to the in-laws. We get there, I set her up so that she's happily playing on the blanket on the floor, and then we leave. Apparently once she realizes we are gone, she cries the whole time until, by exhaustion, she falls asleep. Which is what we usually come back to--her sleeping peacefully. And I just never see that side of her. I joked that I need to install a video camera over there just to see how it all goes down. I hope this is a stage, but I have a feeling it's just another difference in personality.

There's a party in my tummy

2011-08-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Rick is gone for dinner. It's a guy's night type of thing. Sophia was pretty bummed, so I thought I'd make a special dinner for her. Ha, I guess this covers the dinner part of the blog, huh? Anyway, I decided to use up the really healthy whole wheat bread I got the other day, by doing something really unhealthy to it. (Side note: Rick fixed a meatloaf sandwich with this bread today and said, "This bread isn't good. Please don't get this bread again. Sophia doesn't like it either." Um, wrong! Sophia now likes it now. Continue reading to see why.) I made a grilled Nutella and strawberry jam sandwich. Yes, I slathered it with butter, chocolate and strawberry jam and fried it. Sophia took a bite and exclaimed, "There's a party in my tummy...so yummy, so yummy!" She got that cute phrase from her cousin Alyssa during the houseboat excursion. I'm not sure where Alyssa gleaned that from but it's used often here now. I had to agree with Sophia; I felt the same way about our dinner--so yummy! I also agree with Rick. Unless the bread is doused in butter and filled with really bad-for-you-stuff, it's way too healthy for our tastes.

Chompers

2011-08-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

We had a busy week last week. That's my excuse. Laundry, packing, grocery shopping, packing, shopping for the kayak and life jackets and sunscreen, more laundry and then more packing (side note: with all that packing, you'd think I would have remembered to pack my own underwear. Good thing swimsuits were the fashion of the week. However, I packed enough clothes to stay for at least a month, for all of us--maybe even longer.) Throw in Rick's birthday followed by my birthday--the day before we were to leave. Needless to say, it was very hectic.

In hindsight, I should have noticed teething signs from Ava. The day before we left, she had projectile vomited on my mom. At Noni and Papa's that night she had been really fussy. she felt a little warm to me that night but I was in denial because I really didn't want a sick kiddo on vacation. She didn't sleep all that well the first night on the houseboat, but I chalked it up to new environment. The next day she seemed fine, her normal chipper self. I was helping her with her cracker. As I pushed the sticky goop that once was a crispy Mum Mum back into her slobbery mouth, she bit down (hard) on my finger tip. That's when I discovered her tooth had broken through. It literally jumped out and bit me! Followed shortly by the second tooth the next day. Ava has her two bottom teeth now.

S'mores

2011-08-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, we did our share of camping as a family. My Grandpa Jack always had a boat or RV or both, and my summers were about going on the lake and campfires and S'mores. It was the summer between kindergarten and first grade that my grandpa told me on one particular camping trip, while roasting marshmallows by the dying fire, that he invented S'mores. I took that literally. For our first Show and Tell day at school, I told everyone that my grandpa invented S'mores! I explained what they were and how to make them. To my surprise, some of my classmates had tried them before, and even made them on their camping trips. My grandpa was a genius AND famous! I'm not sure how that bubble got popped, maybe the teacher shared it with my mom during Open House or maybe I shared my excitement with my mom and she set me straight. However, that did not dampen my enthusiasm for S'mores.

Sophia has been talking about camping for a good six months. She saw an episode on one of her programs where the kid goes camping and they make a fire and roast marshmallows. Marshmallows=camping in her mind. So last week while I was shopping for our houseboat vacation with our family, I made sure S'mores was on the menu one night. And we just so happened to find a halfway decent place to moor for the night, with plenty of dried wood to make quick of some hot embers. The older cousins learned that they are old enough to earn their reward and collected the wood, under the nervous watchful eye of their mother. (It was a pretty steep slope, but not that steep, jeesh.)

The sun had set, dinner was done and dishes were washed. I had set up exactly how this first S'more experience was going to go down with Sophia. The fire was started.

I anticipated the perfectly browned and gooey marshmallow between the graham cracker and chocolate. And then Rick stuck a marshmallow on Sophia's stick and thrust it into the flames. Out pops a charred marshmallow, everyone is barking at me to hold the graham cracker and chocolate plate towards them, and in the chaos of eager hands, Sophia gets that S'more and starts chowing down. This is not going as planned. And we all know "the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray" so I was going to try to recapture my own experience. After I took some pictures of Sophia, obliviously enjoying her first S'more no matter what shape of form the S'more was in.

I head back out to the campfire in search of a stick. Everyone was finished with their S'mores and had thrown their sticks into the fire. I settle for the best stick in the shortest amount of time and stick two plump marshmallows on the end. No sooner had I roasted half of the marshmallows to brown perfection, my brother runs out with a fire extinguisher and douses the fire out. It was a nice finale to my quest for the perfect S'mores experience. (I think my sister in-law may have the fire extinguishing in action...I was too busy trying to salvage what little marshmallow and patience I had left.)

I'm sure there will be plenty more S'mores experiences. I bet it wasn't the highlight of her trip anyway. How could anything trump the glorious four days of non-stop play with her cousins? I know this makes a much better story than the scene I had imagined in my head while shopping for the supplies. I'm still bitter that my brother used the damn fire extinguisher on what was turning out to be a pretty good marshmallow roast.

Developmental assessment

2011-08-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

All is good. All is better than good, actually it's fantastic.

I remember so acutely being in the hospital the day Ava and Julia were delivered, getting prepped for the c-section and the Neonatologist coming in to discuss expectations for a 27 week delivery. As I laid there uncontrollably shaking, she listed off a number of things that we might encounter upon the delivery. It was the worst case scenario. "The best we can do" was echoing in my head, making all the other crazy scary things she was rattling off feel like a whisper of things to come. Her face was somber, and I feared the worst. In hindsight, probably not the best approach to take with me. I always fear the worst, so by saying all the things that can go wrong I automatically think it will go wrong. Imagine my surprise when Ava came out mewling like a newborn kitty. When Rick turned to me and said, "She looks really good." When instead of whisking her away to the NICU where machines were set aside for her, the team spent some time in the delivery room with her assessment and let Rick take a few pictures. From that day on, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I looked for signs of cerebral palsy, for sight or hearing issues, muscles too tight or too limber. I dreaded her first cold, fearing that it would turn into bronchial pneumonia and we would end up staying long past her release from the NICU--or if at home--back in the hospital. I waited, and I held my breath, and I feared and I worried. When everyone told me she looked great, she was doing great, she was better than great, I still feared and I still worried. But that voice inside my head told me everything is going to be OK. I just didn't want to really listen to that voice.

As of today, I actually believe everything is going to be OK. I still held some nerves going into this assessment, even after being reassured last Friday from Ava's pediatrician that she looks great, and that she will have no issues. Still, the glass-half-empty person that I am had anxiety about this appointment. Ava had no hesitation proving the miracle that she is. She was textbook perfect. She did everything that was expected of her and more. The Dr. and nurse repeated what so many had before, they couldn't believe she was born at 27 weeks. Leaving the appointment, I felt such relief. I know how lucky I really am (we all really are). I know how much worse it all could have been.

It's a head game, this baby making stuff. If you are one of the unlucky ones to have experienced a miscarriage or fertility issues, it's a constant battle of positive over negative thoughts. "I just want to be able to get pregnant" turns into "I just want to make it past the first trimester" and then graduates into "I just want to make it to 24 weeks" and if you are lucky to have that then you can pray that the baby has 10 fingers and 10 toes, is born healthy, you know...all that normal parental worry stuff. And the kicker is, it's just the beginning of worry. You don't really understand what worry is until that baby is now outside of your body and what little control you may have felt you held is now completely out of your control. With Ava, the stakes were higher, the worry was just plain harder. But I am starting to put that all behind me now. It's such a burden, this constant worry. It turns your hair gray, adds wrinkles, makes your muscles and head ache and your back stiff. And it's hard to let go of. It's not something you want to define you. You have to work to tamper it out. I'm working hard. Today boosted my resolve to another level. Maybe that other shoe doesn't have to drop. Maybe it's OK to feel like things are going to be just fine.

Sophia says...

2011-07-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Night time routine varies around here. Rick is usually the one telling Sophia bedtime stories and tucking her in. Last night, Sophia decided she wanted some mommy time after all that. So she creeps into the bedroom and asks me to come cuddle with her. Gladly. So she gets into her bed and I lay down beside her and start to brush her hair out of her face. She says, "Mommy, don't touch my hair, don't rub my back, don't put your arm around me. Don't breathe on me! Just lay there and be still." Ha, sounds a little bit like what I say when she crawls into our bed at 2am!

Ava is 9 months old

2011-07-25T07:41:00.001-07:00

Ava is 9 months (6 months adjusted) old today. It's the three month incremental milestones that really get to me; so much changes from 3 months to 6 months and then to 9 months. In Ava's case, it's like we added another quarter to our year for a total of five 3 month increments. Are you following my logic here? While most others ask if she's "catching up" yet, I feel like she's just a normal 6 month old doing what a normal 6 month old should do.

Ava's new thing is rolling over from back to front, front to back...making her way over to an interesting item. This item is typically off limits to her, usually some small bead or choking hazard Sophia has left on the floor. Funny how Sophia is just at that age where all her interests are the tiniest of toys. The exact opposite of what I really want her to play with while Ava has discovered she can be mobile. Ava's seemingly got Rubber Man arms too. Her reach is unbelievable. She can knock her cereal out of her bowl or out of her spoon on the way to her mouth, when I swore it was out of harms way. Oh, she's eating lots of variety now! Prunes were the first on the list once rice cereal was established. I learned the hard way the other day that there is too much of a good thing with prunes. We had her first major blowout of epic proportions.

We have her 9 month wellness appointment at the end of the week, followed by her first development assessment at the hospital on August 1. I'm a bit nervous for this assessment, even though I feel like she's doing what she should be doing. This is the first of a number of studies she will go through to determine if there was any neurological damage due to her premature birth. The home nurse still does her monthly visits, and while she feels like Ava is doing well--and even exceeding expectations--something about taking her to the clinic makes my stomach feel jittery when thinking about it.

But today I celebrate. I celebrate the strong, solid, beautiful little girl Ava is today. And I also grieve. Julia is so heavily weighing on my heart, but each day seems to get a bit easier with gaining perspective.

The lost blankie

2011-07-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

See that blankie Sophia is cuddling? That is her very favorite blankie. It's her "good" blankie, the one she turns to when she's fallen, having a meltdown, sad, told "no" about something, sleeps with for naps and night time. She will come into our room in the middle of the night if she wakes up and can't find her blankie, to have us find it for her so she can go back to sleep. It's been with her since she was born. We go nowhere without it. As of last Sunday, while at a friend's for dinner, she lost the blankie at their house. She was devastated. It was nowhere to be found. In a panic state, I tore through the house in search of it. I miss that blankie, too. We have a backup blankie but it just doesn't do the job. Now almost 1 week later, I have mixed feelings about its return if it ever does show up. We've made it past the hardest part of withdrawals. The first night, I slept with Sophia, who fell asleep sobbing for her blankie. The second night she told me she loves me, but she loves her blankie too. Each night has gotten better. If that blankie is found, do I dare reunite them?

Change of scenery

2011-07-20T18:23:00.001-07:00

My eyes were hurting from my last blog design so I thought I'd simplify a little. I think it's a stage right now, because lots of simplification is going on in the kid's room.

NICU reunion

2011-07-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

We had Ava's NICU reunion last week. The hospital hosts a party every year for the graduates of the NICU since it's inception. That's 20 some years of graduates, which amounted to about 450 people attending this year. Needless to say it was a little overwhelming for Ava and I, for different reasons--overstimulating for Ava, emotional for me. Sophia had a blast; it was a Curious George theme, and that girl loves Curious George. The Man in the Yellow Hat was actually a woman, which was pretty curious (and pretty confusing to Sophia who pays attention to detail).

I was already emotional going into this whole event. It was the first time we had been back to the hospital since Ava was sent home. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I really wasn't sure why we were going. Closure? To show Ava off to the nurses and doctors for a pat on the back of some sort, maybe validation? To tell the "Barbara Walters" of the NICU Social Worker that I did in fact break down after all and I wasn't the cold hearted bitch that she thought I was? Maybe all of the above. What I realized is that while everyone was joyful and hugging and talking about how well their kids were, I was fighting back tears, feeling completely disconnected, with this really silly smile on my face to try to make it seem like I was alright. And maybe this exact behavior is how I got myself into the emotional mess I was feeling then and there.

I talked to a couple that were in the NICU with their twins while Ava was in there. The mother said she was also a little emotional that morning, so happy that they were at a great place after the scary NICU experience. I couldn't take my eyes of the twins. And this is probably why I felt disconnected. There were a ton of twins in the NICU during our stay. I had a lot of resentment for that. And really, I have so many mixed emotions about the entire stay in the NICU that I just can't go there. So basically just scratching the surface here, I wonder how my experience would have been different had I allowed myself to FEEL during that time. I did go up to the social worker and tell her that I had a bit of an emotional breakdown a few months ago and I'm forever changed. And she was the one who made the "glad you aren't a cold hearted bitch" statement which wasn't exactly an appropriate response in my opinion.

The reality of it all is that I can't go back to that time and ask for a do-over. Would I really want to anyway? And for who would I be doing this? And who is to say that my handling of things wasn't right at the time? Wasn't it right for me, for Sophia, for Ava, for Rick and my family as a whole? Who would it have benefited breaking down and falling apart? Possibly the social worker, but why do I care so much about other people and what they think? My only conclusion and takeaway from this is that usually a family is dealing with the reality of a sick baby in the NICU. I was dealing with a sick baby and the death of a baby.

I'm not trying to say that my pain was greater or that I should have any more right than these other families, it's just that I can't truly relate to these families that were there. So my experience really was sort of a lonely one. The one woman I was hoping would be there wasn't. She had a similar experience of losing her twin while the other was forced into the world. I think about how she is doing, but I don't know if I would have actively pursued a friendship out of our bond. It seems too painful now. I was just disappointed that she wasn't there to ask if she's feeling similar things. Maybe it's for the best. So next year? One of the nurses told me that most people come the first year and then drop off until their kids are old enough to want to participate. And I think that will probably be us, if Ava shows interest down the road.

Salmon

2011-07-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

We've been eating a lot of salmon over here. It's fairly versatile, available fresh at Costco, and healthy. Rick likes it broiled with a honey mustard glaze or soy ginger glaze. I'm not a creature of cooking habit, rarely making the same thing twice. So I decided to mix it up a bit a few weeks ago. I made a potato hash with caramelized onions. On top of this I set a seared salmon fillet. On top of this sauteed spinach, finished with a white wine yogurt Dijon sauce. I literally licked the plate. Not sure if it was because a) just needed a change of pace, or b) I was starving that day, or c) it was really that good. I'm going with c) it was really that good, for this post. I was actually so confident that it was going to be good, I took a picture of it. Now here's the kicker--I didn't write down any of the steps or ingredients. This usually means that it won't turn out as good next time. Bummer. But I will try to re-create my masterpiece moment again, and I promise to write it down and post it for anyone who might enjoy the combo. I know I peeled the potatoes before cutting into small pieces and then crisping it up in olive oil. I know I used Old Bay seasoning for the salmon fillet. I know I deglazed the pan I seared the salmon in with some white wine, and then added some Dijon to thicken, followed by the last minute idea to make it creamier by adding plain Greek yogurt. That's as much as you get right now. To be continued.

The little Firecrackers

2011-07-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Some highlights of our 4th of July. We took Sophia to the Marin County fair. Ava came along for the ride. Poor girl was sweltering in her stroller, despite all efforts to keep her cool. Rick took Sophia on her first roller coaster, and not only was she not scared, she threw her arms up in the air while going down the hill.

My baby CAN read

2011-07-04T10:25:00.001-07:00

Those infomercials crack me up about how your baby can read. First of all, why would I want my 6 month old to read? I have little control as it is; can you imagine how much more difficult life would be if they could read that young? No thanks, not for me. I'd like to keep my kids in the dark as long as possible. I have a feeling that won't last as long as I hope. Sophia can memorize really well. See for yourself.

Sister love

2011-06-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

This morning we were watching Dinosaur Train on PBS and it was about a Triceratops sibling rivalry over the new baby. Sophia wanted to know why the older kid was sad about his new baby brother. I asked her if she ever felt like Ava got more attention than she did. She looked at me pretty confused and said no, that she loved her sister so much. Oh how proud I am of her.

Swimming!

2011-06-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sophia started swim lessons and she's doing great! I knew she'd love the water, but not sure how well she'd respond to direction. She really likes her swim instructor and she is trying to impress him. It's a lot of fun to watch her learn. We have 6 lessons left so let's hope the enthusiasm continues.

Potty training progress report

2011-06-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

What a big battle this has been. Notice the past tense, because WE ARE FINALLY MAKING PROGRESS. Just as I suspected, it was really a battle of wills. Sophia won (this time). As soon as she decided she wanted to just go on the potty, well that was that. Our home is so much more enjoyable. I will never start this early with Ava. I think I may just let her tell me she's ready to go on her own. And let me tell you, it is so much easier not having 2 kids in diapers. Now I hope I didn't just jinx myself and have to deal with any more regressive diapers from Sophia in the future.

Insurance tap dance

2011-06-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

Before I start completely bashing my current health insurance experience, I do have to say that we are very lucky to have had the best possible insurance coverage in place before all hell broke loose with this last pregnancy. They came through big time with the out of state coverage and the whopping million dollar hospital bills. OK, niceties out of the way...

For the past 6 months I've been dealing with an annoyingly small refund issue. While in the hospital, I was encouraged by the lactation consultant to rent a hospital grade breast pump for 3 months. This baby had serious industrial strength pumping ability, and probably lengthened Ava's time on breast milk. As I filled out the paperwork I was informed that I would get a letter from the NICU stating to my insurance company that this was a medically necessary item for our baby's well being. Shortly after coming home, I submitted the letter, a claim form, and the receipt for the rental. 30 days later I received a letter stating that they didn't cover another item on the receipt, which I didn't include in the claim. An hour in waiting on the phone and a frustrating conversation took place, and I resubmitted the letter and claim, sans receipt--as ordered. 30 days later I received a letter saying that I needed to resubmit with changes to "line item" such-and-such. There is no "line item" so another hour or so in waiting and another frustrating conversation later, I resubmitted the claim form, letter, AND receipt--as ordered. 30 days later I received a letter stating that such-and-such code was invalid. I didn't make up these codes, they were provided by the hospital. Another hour or so in waiting and yet another frustrating conversation later and I'm informed that the insurance company had updated the codes 1 month ago and they were no longer relevant in their system. The person on the phone was unable to change this in the computer and had to submit to another insurance employee. I would hear back with my refund in 30 days. 30 days later, no letter and no refund check. I called to find out what was going on. I was told they couldn't find my claim in their system. I started to get pretty annoyed. After giving all reference numbers I guess the claim magically appeared and I was informed (after 30 minutes on hold while discussing it over with his supervisor) that my hospital was responsible for reimbursing the money. Um, does this make any sense? So long story short, I did what they probably expected me to do in the first place. I got so frustrated that I gave up. And then out of the blue, random checks started appearing in random amounts for an "oxygen respirator" refund. I still haven't received the full amount, but hey it's better than nothing. But man, the insurance company is so screwed up. Is there a moral to this story? I guess I would suggest never pay anything out of pocket and expect to get a refund without a fight.

Cherry pickers

2011-06-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

We spent a beautiful Monday cherry picking. The weather is finally showing us some sunshine and warm days. Rick had way too much fun. He couldn't stop picking those things, so we ended up with 19 pounds of ripe cherries! I think Sophia ate as much. When we got back to the scale, the worker asked Sophia if she ate any while picking. It wasn't too obvious. I mean, you couldn't tell by the ring of cherry juice framing her mouth, or the lines of juice splattered down her dress.

An artistic rendition of me

2011-06-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

Take note of the upper left drawing of a person. That person is me, according to Sophia. That person is wielding a knife. "Mommy, this is you! This is you cutting up the meat and then cutting the butter to put on the bread." I especially like that fact that the knife is red. That oblong red thing is meat, and that black square is the bread. So it's proof that I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Or maybe I just spend way too much time with knives.

Sophia says...

2011-06-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

We were filling the car up at the gas station and Sophia says, "I think the car has a stomach ache. It's got a lot of gas!"

Snail charmer

2011-06-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

It's been raining. A lot. It's June, for the love of....OK, I mean it could be worse as far as weather is concerned. We've had some strange weather, but nothing like tornadoes or hurricanes, so I'll just stop complaining. However, this weather is great for Sophia's new hobby. She likes to play with snails. No, salt is not included. She creates snail farms. She pulls them out of their shell for inspections (I actually looked this up and snails do live without shells--they are called slugs.). She feeds them, sprays them with water, takes them for rides on the trampoline. And these silly things love her. I do not know why they haven't written in sparkly snail trail to warn others of Sophia. It seems if anything, more are showing up. So what to do on yet another rainy day? Bundle the girl up and let her have her fun. And then completely disinfect her and scrub her clean after her fun has been had.

Ava, adjusted

2011-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Considering that Ava should be 4 months old, she's really trying to catch up to her 7 month old status. We had the nurse over for her monthly home visit, and she noted that Ava is doing 5-6 month old things. As proud as I am that my little girl is an overachiever, I'm not quite ready for her to grow up so fast. Actually, I'm kind of bummed that she's not taking her time doing things. Don't get me wrong, I would be singing a different tune if she were behind in development. But IF (and that's a big if) things happened differently in our lives, and we had just one healthy Ava born at full term, I really wanted to cherish that baby stuff I really didn't fully appreciate when Sophia was a baby. It's so cliche but true that they grow up so fast, in a blink of an eye. Did Ava's head really fit in the palm of my hand? I barely remember her fragile, baby bird like state. So now she's determined to roll over, to grasp things, to coo and babble but I'm not ready for these things because I know the next chapter will be independence. I was eating something in front of Ava the other day, and she was looking at my eyes, down to my lips--back and forth as I chewed my food. She started to make open mouth motions and a little drool escaped. Well damn it, is it really time to introduce her to solid foods? I know she's ready, I'm just not. But I went out and got some rice cereal anyway, to try with her...once I get my video camera charged, and both camera's full disc space clear for more memories, once I get my computer setup and a file system organized to hold these memories. Yes, I'm stalling. Ava may be adjusting fine to all these new changes but I'm not.

Sophia says...

2011-05-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

We saw a plane in the sky and I asked Sophia where she thought the plane was going. She replied, "Timbuktu." Ha! Shortly after, we saw another plane and I said, "Well then where is that plane going?" She replied, "Timbuk-three." Well, of course.

=========
On another note, my computer crashed last week and I also left my camera at my Grandparent's house, so I'm busy here getting things back in order. Hope to have new pictures soon!

Sophia says...

2011-05-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Allergies were horrendous at my mom's house when we went to visit. I could not stop sneezing. Sophia says, "Mommy, do you have the Bless You's?"

Mother's Day

2011-05-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

The day before Mother's Day, I found myself unexpectedly crying while driving home from the grocery store. There were no emotional triggers that I could recall setting off this particular episode, even though crying is (annoyingly) my new MO these days. I didn't have a lot of time to analyze this random jag--it's a pretty short drive from the store to the house and I knew Sophia would be up from her nap. Besides, there were groceries to put away, the house to clean, food to make. And then it dawned on me: this was the day last year that I found out I was pregnant with Ava and Julia. Of course I didn't know what the future held on that day, but I remember making the decision to take a pregnancy test the day before Mother's Day because if that pregnancy didn't turn out, I didn't want Mother's Day to end up like so many other angelversaries I had with the other miscarriages. The subconscious is sure powerful.

Mother's Day has become emotionally charged for me, and significantly so now that I feel the added loss of Julia providing the undercurrent. I am so grateful for Sophia, who has the honor of making me a mother, and for Ava who I celebrate my first Mother's Day now as a mother of two beautiful little girls. Being a mother means all the world to me. It symbolizes my struggle to actually get to this point to be able to celebrate motherhood. It's a big deal to me, and personal in a way that I will probably never explain to Rick or anyone else (unless you are reading this, of course). This day brings all my successes and failures as a mother into reflection. It may be only a period of time that I feel this way, because motherhood has been all consuming these last few years, and as the children grow up and may not need so much hands on attention, Mother's Day will probably morph into different feelings. However, at this point in my life, I'll embrace all the feelings of this day and look forward to what the years may bring.

Sophia says...

2011-05-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight we were playing with balloons, trying to keep them up in the air the longest. Sophia says, "Mommy, we're having fun (she growls the word fun). That's crrrraaaaaazy." Clearly our days of fun have been far and few between. So I'm going to work on that, OK Sophia?

Easter

2011-05-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

We had Easter brunch at our house with the family. The day started out rainy, and I was really stressed that it would stay that way. However, by mid-morning the rain stopped and the clouds went away, leaving us with a warm sunny day to enjoy the kid's egg hunt. Sophia had to stop and open each egg she found to see what was inside. It was a painfully slow process, while her cousins zipped and zoomed around finding the 159 eggs Aunt Dione stuffed (for a hunt with 3 kids!). I have to say, Sophia has some really nice cousins who shared their loot with her when it was all said and done. There is no way that would have happened with the cousins I grew up with!

Nurture versus nature

2011-04-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've always found the psychology of a child fascinating. One comment I hear from parents (even my mom and my mother-in-law) is "I raised them the same way, how come they came out so different?" I can honestly say that I won't be saying this in the future. So if Sophia and Ava are complete opposites, I will be less surprised than if they have any similarities.

Besides the normal "second child" things, such as being held less, having to adapt to the older kid's routine, being made to wait more, having a less neurotic mother, etc. Ava wasn't breast-fed, she co-slept with me for a good part of 3 months and I still pull her into bed with me in the early morning, whereas Sophia didn't have her first bottle until she was 6 months old and I always put Sophia in her bassinet or swing to sleep. Sophia did sleep on me for a lot of her naps, where Ava is always put down in her swing as soon as her eyes start to droop. I always had Sophia in her car seat carrier and stroller for any outings, but find that it's easier to wear Ava in the Bjorn carrier to do anything with both girls. Sophia didn't really start to interact until she was 3 months old, but Ava was always wide-eyed and ready to play from the time she came home from the hospital.

I know it's still early--too early to tell how things will turn out--but I can sure tell you they are like night and day.

Six months ago

2011-04-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Does time really heal those wounds, because I feel like it's just getting harder. Six months ago was one of the saddest and scariest and happiest days of my life. I just don't know if I'll ever figure out how to manage the conflicting emotions of this day.

Sophia's 3 year and Ava's 6 month updates

2011-04-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Both girls needed doctors appointments in April, so I scheduled them together. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. I knew both would need shots, but I didn't really think through the process. It would have been nice to have four arms, or have thought to maybe bring in reinforcements, but we got through the appointment with only a little sweat (me) and a few tears (them).

Sophia is very healthy and confirmed to be smart and well spoken. It's nice to have that confirmation, although these days she is a little too smart for her own good. The potty training business is being shelved indefinitely here. I have been told to give her 3 whole months without suggestions or mention of the potty. This is going to be more challenging for me than the potty training but perhaps she needs to make her own decision now.

Ava is now 15 pounds, and in the 95%ile for weight, 50%ile for height and head circumference for her adjusted age and in the 5%ile and 3%ile respectively for her actual age range. She's doing great! The doctor mentioned feeding her solids soon, something I hadn't even thought of. I am going to hold off on that for at least another month, unless Ava is throwing herself at food. I'm just not ready for her to grow up yet.

I couldn't have a more opposite spectrum as far as Ava and Sophia. They are like night and day in every sense. Well, except they both wear diapers (har-de-har). But opposites attract because these girls just love each other. I hope it continues this way and they can be friends. It's really fun watching them interact.

Ava found her hands

2011-04-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Another milestone to check off the list. Ava found her hands last week. She's also trying to suck her fingers and I'm trying to thwart those efforts by promptly substituting the pacifier. I'm just not sure I want another thumb sucker to deal with. Not that I really have a choice--she'll do what she wants I'm sure--but I'm going to try my best to make her a binky baby.

And Sophia wants to know what the big deal is about Ava finding her hands. Obviously they are right where they are supposed to be. Duh.

Already in the throes of three

2011-04-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Sophia says to me in an exasperated voice, "Mommy, stop breathing on me." Really? Already? Everything is a battle these days, from picking out clothes to wear, or eating, or, well apparently even breathing. The autonomous threes, yay me. Oh, I give her choices. "Do you want to do A or B?" And her response, "I don't want to do either. Go away. Leave me alone. My ears are plugged so I can't hear you." Sometimes it's such a ridiculous struggle that I can't help but laugh. Sometimes I just want to cry. Days have been completely remapped based on her relentless temper tantrums. I know this is a phase. I know she's testing her boundaries. I get that she is working into her independence. I just wish that my sweet little Sophia would take it down a notch. I'm sure it's no coincidence that this phase happens to correspond to a certain someone getting attention. In fact, I actually feel guilty when I do pay attention to Ava in front of Sophia. As challenging as it is, I am so grateful that Sophia never takes out her frustration of this stage on Ava. She is always so quick to help out when it comes to Ava. She is so gentle and sweet with her little sister, and takes her role as big sister very serious. I get a little jealous that all that sweetness is now directed at Ava when not so long ago it was all for me. But as sassy as she is now, like Jekyll and Hyde, she can be incredibly sweet and considerate all in a blink of an eye. "Mommy, I love you so much. You are my very best friend in the whole world" is interchangeable with "Mommy, I don't like you anymore. I want...I need....Give me NOW!" So here we are. The terrible twos weren't really present in our house, but I fear the wrath of threes rearing it's ugly head only days shy of her third birthday.

Cooking with wine

2011-04-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because Sophia has entered the terrible three stage, I found that two of my dinners this week included wine. Oh, you thought it was terrible two's? Think again. That will be a separate post to come. So until I can sit down and figure out the ingredients I used to add to the recipe section, here's the menu if you are looking for some inspiration (or an excuse to have a glass of wine while cooking).

Linguine with Clams, Ceasar Salad and Focaccia bread

Pork Chops with Porcini Mushroom and Red Wine Reduction, Polenta and Asparagus

Giant hail!

2011-04-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

April Fools! In the midst of our heat wave, Rick brought snow back from his drive up to Reno.

There is no easy answer

2011-03-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

I find myself struggling to answer the normal questions when out and about. We've been cooped up most of the winter but those few times that I get out to run a few errands with the girls, I inevitably get those "new baby" questions. I remember when Sophia was a little baby and how eager I was to talk about her age, her disposition, etc. to any curious stranger. With Ava, I just don't have a canned response figured out yet. "How old is your baby?" turns into this whole mental deliberation before I respond. I'll say she's 5 months but then I'll say she was born 3 months early so she should really be 2 months. I usually get a blank stare and then an "oh" but sometimes I get people that know someone that had a preemie or had a preemie and they understand why I answered the way I did. I just don't know why I can't say, "she's 5 months" and then if they decide to comment how small she is (I don't know, is she small for 5 months?) or how underdeveloped she seems then maybe I can elaborate? I find it's mostly a defense thing for me. As much as it shouldn't bother me what strangers think, it really does bother me. And honestly, unless you have a 5 month old baby or grandchild or you are a pediatrician or you are just really knowledgeable about baby stages, would you really stop and look at a baby and question the answer? I mean, aren't they just making small talk anyway? But maybe that one stranger does fit into the knowledgeable category and walks away thinking there's something wrong with Ava. It's almost like I'm doing a disservice to Ava by not giving the longer answer. I know, I should get over it. A woman at the park told me her friend had a 28 week preemie and that now 2 years of age, the kid seems caught up and you can't tell the difference. 1.5 years seems a long way to go for me to be puzzling about what should be an easy answer. I'm also at a loss when talking about Ava's delivery. Because as we all know, it wasn't just Ava that was born that day. But it's all so very uncomfortable to go there even with my family or best friends. So I again feel like I'm doing a disservice to Julia by saying, "well when Ava was born..." but to replace that with "well when the girls were born..." is too heavy on my heart and I just feel like it's too much to place on anyone I'm having that conversation with. The real problem here is that I'm battling with my personality. I'm an open book. I usually give way too much information. But in this case, any kind of answer other than an expected one opens the door to more conversation or maybe suggests that I need to talk about it. And I'm not looking to start a conversation about it really, I'm just trying to be fair to my girls and to myself when I answer a direct question. It all kind of seems silly now that I'm writing out my thoughts. But I feel they are valid thoughts, and I can't imagine I'm alone in thinking them.

Ava is 5 months today

2011-03-25T13:05:00.001-07:00

Ava was weighed at the pediatricians and is now 14 pounds and 1 ounce. She's slowed down a little in her weight gain, which I think is a good thing because compared to (oh boy and here we go comparing her to her older sister) Sophia, she is a good 2 pounds more than Sophia was at 2 months old. Which is really how old Ava should be, 2 months. Yes, confusing still.

Ava is mostly calm and focused, unless of course she's hungry, tired or has a dirty diaper. But when her basic needs are met, she will just stare at you and it looks like she's really taking everything in. She loves to play, absolutely adores her big sister, and is still sleeps most contently when she's sleeping with me. It's going to be a really bad habit to break, this co-sleeping thing. She's practicing her cooing. It's fun to watch her try to make a sound. Sometimes she gets really frustrated while trying to move her tongue and lips, she'll just squawk to get something out. She says, "ah goo" and "boo" mostly. And this girl just smiles at everything. She's so strong, too! She loves to stand up and bounce her little legs, she has the strongest grip and can pull herself up with her hands. She holds herself up so well, I barely have to support her head when I hold her now. Speaking of her head, she's growing back the hair she lost a few weeks ago. The old man hair band is evening out and the new growth is coming in quite thick. Her eyes are still a deep blue but I think they are starting to lighten up a bit and becoming more gray-blue.

We see the home nurse next week to find out how Ava is doing developmentally, but I'm not so worried these days. I feel like she's developing right on target, if not even ahead for what her adjusted age is.

It's starting

2011-03-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

I've swallowed down the tears for five months now. Things are starting to unravel. I should welcome this part of the process, but I continue to try to push it into the back of my mind. Unfortunately, my mind is fighting back now and it's decided to take sides with my heart.

I should explain my delayed grief a little. I realize that I was masking it. At first I told myself I could start to grieve once Ava got to a place where I could let down that wall. Well, she's clearly making up for her situation in leaps and bounds. In addition to Ava's health, I've been in a five month struggle to get the pictures from the photographer taken on the day Ava and Julia were born. I could go into the long drawn out process, but at the end of the day I just need to let it go. And I finally received the pictures the other day. Then like a very tightly wound rope, I just snapped. I don't have a cause to fight for or to be strong for anymore. I have a healthy and mentally thriving Ava and I have the pictures in my possession. I haven't snapped into a depression or any kind of behavior that should be alarming. I'm aware of my responsibilities and how my actions may affect Sophia. But in the middle of the night or the rare occasion that I am able to shower for more than 5 minutes, when it's just me and my thoughts, I am raw and I can't stop reliving everything. So tomorrow I will celebrate five months of Ava, but tonight I will mourn the loss of Julia and I will mourn Ava's struggles as she was forced into this world.

Ava, the first hours of life

Julia's perfect foot

It was a looooong winter

2011-03-19T08:50:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow marks the first day of Spring. So long, Winter. We were cooped up most of the time, due to the wet and cold weather and trying to avoid any germs for Ava. I now fully understand why there are so many holidays during the winter months. I imagine these holidays were created by women with small children. In addition to making the most of each holiday, Sophia made use of her time inside:

Painting and other art projects

Cozying up under just-from-the-dryer laundry piles

Taking long baths in the middle of the day

Reading to herself

Decorating random empty cardboard rolls and boxes

Baking

And on that rare day, when sunshine peeked through she got all bundled up and ran her sillies out

Happy St.Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

Updated to include dinner. Notice anything missing from the dinner? I forgot to add the potatoes to the pot! What kind of Irish forgets the potatoes?? Duh. I decied to try to bake Irish Soda Bread. Not sure what it is supposed to taste like, but mine actually turned out pretty good. Maybe practice is helping my baking. We also made shamrock cookies. Sophia probably ate more frosting in the process of decorating than actually ended up on the cookies.

Father Daughter Dinner Dance II

2011-03-11T20:01:00.001-08:00

Just got a phone call from the dinner dance and Sophia is again the center of attention on the dance floor, so I've been told. Can't wait to see the action shots. But until then, here's the send off.

Santa's in town

2011-03-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

Sophia went with her Daddy to pick up his shirt from the dry cleaners. While in there, they saw Santa's suit coming out of the washer. One can only assume Santa decided to take a vacation here. We discussed other options, but decided this is the only plausible reason that Santa's suit was at the cleaners. Rick told Sophia she better be extra nice because Santa surely knows who is naughty or nice if he's in their town. Sophia asked me if we could track Santa on the computer to see where he was exactly (we were following Santa on Christmas Eve through the NORAD website). Thank goodness they aren't tracking where Santa vacations. Just the other day I had told Sophia Santa was in the North Pole overseeing the toy construction. Boy was I wrong.

Fat Tuesday

2011-03-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

Sophia is at that fun age where life is really a party, so I decided to put on a Mardi Gras theme dinner. And you know what, I had fun too! We baked a King Cake and cornbread muffins. We decorated the table. I finally found a reason to use the random alligator head that Rick has for whatever reason.

Ava is missing from the photos because we hadn't found her in the cake yet. Just kidding. The cake is flat because I can't bake. I had good intentions, but of course deviated from the recipe and ended up with this. It tasted OK, but we're not really sure what a traditional king cake should taste like, so there you have it. Anyway, the point of it was really to give Sophia a chance to decorate the cake--mission accomplished. I made a shrimp etouffee over rice, and that turned out yummy. And the cornbread muffins were less than stellar, for the same reason as the cake. However, I made cornbread stuffing last night from the leftover muffins and that made up for the bland muffins the night before. Of course I didn't take notes on how I made dinner last night or the night before, so I won't be updating the recipe section.

Ava's milestones

2011-03-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

The new formula sure did turn Ava into a new baby. She is way more content when she sleeps now, and she's actually sleeping where she should be--in her bassinet. For the most part. I've gotten used to sleeping with her, so I'm guilty of letting her sleep in our bed after her early morning bottle still.

I've tried to capture her doing some cool stuff. This is harder now, her being the younger sister.

Smiling

Tummy time, holding her upper body and head up, supported by her arms.

Not quite Shirley Temple

2011-03-06T10:26:00.000-08:00

Sophia had her first dance class. I signed her up at the studio where I used to dance when I was a little girl. I played up the class for about a week, and she was really excited to go. Until the day of the class. She woke up from her nap in a pretty foul mood. She didn't want to go to dance. She didn't want to get dressed in her new leotard. After a lot of coaxing (and bribes) we got her ready to go.

The first thing I noticed when Sophia started the warm up part of class is that she has her daddy's flexibility. She doesn't bend. While the other little girls were virtually folded in half, Sophia was struggling to touch her knees let alone her toes. The next thing I noticed was that Sophia has her mommy's sense of direction. She will do the opposite leg, arm, or even go counter clockwise of the other girls. However, once the instructor got her all settled, she really has a natural grace and ability to do the dance moves. She learned the tap step, shuffle, right from the start. And it was clear heel/toe/slap. Even with the distractions (from one particular little girl who was intent on pulling Sophia away from everything and causing trouble--who is in one of the pictures but I won't be cruel to actually point her out, but let's just say one of the things is not like the other...eh hum, tambourines or...?), she actually learned some. I really went into the whole thing just hoping she had fun, if nothing else. I do want her to learn a little discipline, too. But I think that will come with time and maturity and certainly not from an introduction class with a bunch of three year olds.

Ava is 4 months today

2011-02-25T16:28:00.000-08:00

Ava weighed in at a whopping 12 pounds, 9 ounces today at her four month wellness check at the pediatricians. She is consistent with her head growth as well, so she's literally just growing up. If we were to look at her corrected age, she'd be off the charts (over the 100th % in growth). This is great news for us. As a result of her weight gain, we've been given the green light to change from her premature fortified formula to regular formula, which will hopefully help in her digestion. She has major colic. The Dr. noted that she doesn't have preemie head (aka "toaster head") and in fact her head is quite shapely. Usually preemies will favor one side to sleep on and their head will become flat on that side. You know why she doesn't have any flat areas? Because I am CONSTANTLY holding this child. Which brings me back to her colic. She has a really hard time processing everything, so while she will suck down a bottle in record time, she will spend at least an hour suffering from her feeding. Once the formula has been digested for the most part, she'll then start grunting and groaning while it works its way through her intestines. And just when she's starting to get settled, it's feeding time again. This is particularly hard in the middle of the night. It results in very little sleep for us all. I really hope the new formula will make a difference with this, because I am running out of options with trying to find a place that Ava will sleep. I've found that she sleeps best on me. I don't sleep best with her sleeping on me, but this is usually the result after hours of holding the pacifier in her mouth with one hand, stroking her head with the other, and whispering "shhhhhh" in her ear. For hours on end. And when I slowly remove everything, she'll look peaceful for about 5 seconds and then start to grimace and then wail, and it starts over again. I'm not sure why she'll sleep peacefully for moderate stretches during the day. Anyway, we'll survive this. And I have coffee to lean on until then.

Thanks, Dora

2011-02-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm ashamed to write that we're still potty training here. Well, it's actually a stalled endeavor since Sophia only goes potty on her time. Usually she'll go potty when she decides she wants something. Yes, a parenting fail. I know she's manipulating, Rick knows she manipulating, but we both fall for it because we so badly want her to just start going to the bathroom on her own--in the toilet. This day seemed like so long ago and it was, almost a whole year ago. Where did it all go wrong? I read an article recently in Parenting magazine that there is a window of opportunity to take advantage of to get maximum benefit of a certain age for milestone goals like getting rid of a pacifier, transition to a big kid bed, potty training. Potty training is actually closer to age 3. Which Sophia is. But because I've been harassing her for almost a year, I may have actually set the training back. Parenting fail. Yesterday I vowed to my friends that I'd shelf it completely and let Sophia make the call. Wouldn't you know that this afternoon she walks up to me with panties in hand and states, "I want to be a big girl and go pee pee in the potty--like Dora does, and Boots." Huh? So while I was on the phone with the Pharmacy that ships Ava's RSV antibody, Dora was babysitting Sophia. And apparently she can potty train Sophia in that 13 minute episode better than I can with stickers, M&M's, timers, marshmallows, letting her run around naked...all of that hard work trumped by a cartoon character and a monkey. Go figure. I actually have yet to see if Dora succeeds in this potty training business, but Sophia currently sports some Tinkerbell panties and promises to let me know when she has to go. To be continued.

Sophia says...

2011-02-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

Rick asked Sophia where she got her new sweatsuit. Sophia says, "The mailman gave it to me." As if her blue eyes and blonde curly hair weren't already in question.

One month adjusted

2011-02-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

This is where the premature thing gets confusing for me, the adjusted age. If Ava were to have been born on her due date, she would be 1 month old today although her chronological age is almost 4 months old. So why is this important? Her milestones.

When Sophia was born, I looked forward to her first smile, her first laugh, rolling over, sitting up. It never crossed my mind that Sophia wouldn't do these things. If anything, it was interesting to keep track of these firsts to see where she fell in the normal range. For Ava, it's the anticipation and the fear that she won't do these things. This started a few weeks ago when the nurse came for her visit and asked if Ava had made eye contact. I thought maybe she was making eye contact, but if you know how newborn eyes are, it's rare they are looking in the same direction, let alone focusing on anything. And then at her 3 month well baby check the pediatrician asked the same question. So my obsessiveness kicked in and for the next week I stared and stared into Ava's eyes, willing her to look at me and to hold the gaze. Well, she is and she did and with a huge sigh of relief I can mark this off my list. Next came the first smile, about 2 weeks ago. She smiled at Sophia first, and then the next day smiled at me and Rick and then her smiles became a little stingy until a few days ago when she started smiling more. Last night she smiled and laughed! I looked up Sophia's first smile and Ava actually smiled a few days before Sophia first smiled. Again, wheww.

So as of now, Ava is meeting her milestones according to her adjusted age. Actually, I think she's ahead of her adjusted age in some aspects. She's been holding her head up steady for quite a while. She's been following objects. She rolls from her side to her back. These are things a 2 month old are expected to do. I'm writing this down because next month comes with another set of objectives--er, milestones--and I'll most likely have the same anxiety. And the month after that, and the month after that, and...

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T17:09:00.000-08:00

My mother in-law gave this to Rick, thinking of us. So true!

And you open the card...

Sophia says...

2011-02-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

I'm about to change the channel to cartoons for Sophia. Sophia says, "Mommy, I'm watching the news. I wanna see what's going on in the world."

Groundhog day

2011-02-02T20:05:00.000-08:00

At least the rest of the country is now celebrating Groundhog day...I've been experiencing it for about 6 weeks now!

Expressiveness

2011-01-31T09:40:00.000-08:00

Sophia told me I'm her best friend. Which was really sweet and special and filled my heart with love and mush. Until about 5 minutes later, Sophia saw an ant roaming across the floor and she exclaimed "Ahhh there's my best friend!" and proceeded to let the ant crawl all over her. So I guess it's all relative. She's highly expressive with her feelings these days. Rick will leave the room and she'll throw herself onto the ground and cry, "Where did daddy go?! I miss him soooo much." She'll see a toy that maybe she hasn't seen in a few days and say, "This is my favorite toy; it's my best toy ever." And then a few moments later the toy is thrown to the side. Just like me, her best friend for the fleeting moment. And then off she goes...

About making dinners

2011-01-28T14:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm cooking dinners. Most every night, in fact. I've decided that I need to be a little bit smarter in my strategy with 2 kids in tow. Well, one in tow...one in whatever area I try to have her entertain herself. Currently it's the jungle mat activity thing. Anyway, dinner. Besides limiting my trips to the grocery store, I'm also trying to do some carry over cooking. Basically make or buy one thing to incorporate into 2 meals that week. I'm horrible with leftovers. I don't eat them. Thankfully Rick loves leftovers. But even with his love of them, I still feel like there is a lot of waste. So here was my strategy last week:
I made the 13 bean soup the other night. You know, the one in the bag with the recipe on the back. I followed the recipe and we had that as a side dish with crock pot pork roast one night (I'll have to try to figure out how I made the gravy for this and post the recipe, it turned out really good). Then the next night I added ground beef and some taco seasoning to the bean soup, which had taken on a refried bean consistency. I served this over white rice to turn it into a Mexican dish of sorts. The next night I used the gravy from the pork roast to serve over pasta. Looking back, I should have shredded the remainder pork roast and turned that into pulled pork sandwiches, but instead I just stored it for regular sandwiches during the week.
Rick brought home a head of cabbage and tons of cauliflower leftover from a dinner he put on with his cooking crew for a charity dinner. With the cabbage, I made cole slaw as a side to the pork roast and beans, and then braised the rest another night with corned beef. Cole slaw makes for a great addition to kaiser rolls and corned beef sandwiches, with dijon. I roasted the cauliflower one night with olive oil and garlic as a side dish with the pasta and gravy, and made the rest into a gratin last night with some roasted chicken.
So I'm trying to be creative with the leftovers, save some money and cut down on time spent at the grocery store and in the kitchen. I was really happy with last week's meal plan. If only I can continue to figure out how to do this on a consistent basis.
On a sort of related topic, my Aunt Lynette gave us some Napa Style Truffle Salt for Christmas (in addition to some other wonderful salts and rubs from Napa Style that I haven't opened yet, and which I'm ashamed that I still haven't properly thanked her for) and can I tell you that I am addicted to this stuff. If you like truffles (of the mushroom variety) you will not be able to get enough of this stuff. I've added it to mushroom risotto, the cauliflower gratin, chicken, seasoned rubs, etc. It's a must have pantry item for sure.

Family

2011-01-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight Sophia joined me on the chair while I was holding Ava, kissed Ava on the forehead and said, "Mommy, I love my family."

Solid gold diamond encrusted million dollar baby

2011-01-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

Miss Manners would cringe at this post. I'm probably being incredibly tacky by writing about the hospital bills, but the final statement just came in and it's jaw-dropping crazy. We have insurance, so I don't anticipate we'll be paying much of the final bill once it's processed through insurance, but it's worthy of a post. Two months stay in the NICU was one million dollars and some change. [Insert health care debate here] Don't get me started on how much the people who actually did the work with Ava probably get out of all that money. I was told by Ava's Neonalotolgist that her husband is a Periodontist, works 3 days a week and still makes more than the doctor. I imagine the nurses and staff make a fraction of that. Ava didn't have any invasive procedures. She didn't need much else than oxygen and caffeine, TPN for nutrients, and monitoring for all the other preemie stuff. She had a few head ultrasounds, echo of her heart, and eye exams. She stayed one month less than her due date. I can't imagine the bills if things would have been different. I can't imagine the bills of those babies that stay in the NICU for months on end.

We continue to get statements from the hospital that our insurance is still pending. [Insert private medical insurance vs. social health care debate here] I've been battling with insurance over reimbursement of the breast pump for the last 2 months. I send them the paperwork, they come back with some line item needing more explanation. I stay on hold for an hour, only to get the run around from someone about needing more information. I am grateful to have insurance, but infuriated by the process and games they play in order to get out of reimbursing what is owed. I can't imagine the process for evaluating a NICU stay. I still haven't received the statement for my own c-section and hospital stay, but I'm pretty sure it'll be anticlimactic after getting Ava's bill. I just can't wrap my mind around that much money.

You've come a long way, baby

2011-01-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

Ava's due date was yesterday. She's now considered full term. When people ask how old she is, I can no longer say "she really shouldn't be born yet." Today she is 1 day adjusted. Happy due date, Ava!

Then...
12 weeks, 4 days early, 1 day old, 2 pounds 11 ounces

Now...
12 weeks and 3 days old, 1 day adjusted, 9 pounds

First outing with my girls

2011-01-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

You'd think I'd have remembered my camera. Oh well. A nice little break in this cold weather had me itching to get my cabin fevered butt outside and into the fresh air. Ava behaved nicely in her carrier and Sophia had the patience of, well, not her normal 2 in a half year old self (which is a very good thing). We enjoyed the park and a nice walk. Sophia went down for a nap without fuss. Ava had an extended sleep in her car seat. I was able to make myself a sandwich, sit down and eat the whole thing without interruption. Ahhh, could this be the beginning of getting back to routine?

Appointments, check-ins and evaluations, oh my

2011-01-13T09:52:00.000-08:00

If only I had a way to transcript my middle of the night thoughts from my brain to here, I would have a million updates. But that's not here nor there. We are adjusting quite well with Ava being home. It's slightly more hectic than what was my usual day to day, and a whole lot more hectic than what was my usual night before Ava. Ask me how I am in another week, because today is the last day for the nanny I had coming 3 days a week in the mornings to help entertain Sophia. While I used that time to to go visit Ava in the NICU, I now currently hole up in my bedroom cuddling with Ava to give both of us some quality time together (i.e., I try to cram in a night's worth of sleep because Ava usually sleeps the best from 6am-9am). On those days that I haven't had help, Rick has been incredibly helpful with Sophia and her routine. This has been probably the only benefit of having a winter baby. With the exceptionally wet and cold Winter, he hasn't had a whole lot to do with work. When Sophia was born in the Spring, the busiest time for Rick's job, that was a whole other story. So while I love my husband dearly, I love him a little bit more for all the help he's been. Don't worry, he's being rewarded for his good deeds--you know, by my, eh hum, ability to make him steak dinners. Ha. Anyway...

We've been to the pediatrician a few times already, mainly for weight checks. After it was determined that Ava is doing well in the gaining weight department, we are now following a normal well baby schedule. I've decided to space out her vaccines so that adds a few extra trips to the doctors. I spaced out Sophia's vaccines, and with Ava being so much younger and smaller, I have a hard time that she will get the same amount of dosage and not at the corrected age but at her birth date age. This scares me. I don't know why, but autism is at the back of my mind along with other scary thoughts of side effects. I am all for vaccines, and I understand that Ava is even more at a risk due to her low immune system, but that's just the mom in me to worry. And because she is a preemie, she is scheduled to receive additional vaccines to protect her.

There are so many differences with a preemie. Some I don't know if they are "preemie" things or "individuality" things. Ava makes so many noises. She clears her throat for what seems like hours on end. She snores, LOUDLY. She grunts constantly. She whistles through her nose. She is most often having gas pains or reflux. While I have no doubt she's breathing when she's sleeping due to all the noise, it's hard to get any sleep when she is actually sleeping. I had a phone call from someone in a program that Ava will be in for preemies. The woman scheduled an appointment for Ava's due date, which is next week. During the conversation I mentioned some things Ava does and was reassured that it was all normal preemie behavior. I told her that the only time Ava seems to have a quiet sleep is when she's sleeping on me or Rick. At this she said that it was a dangerous thing for Ava because they don't want Ava to be in such a deep sleep. Another preemie thing. However, I was also told that preemies require a lot more holding and cuddling. Which she gets. As I type this, I am wearing her in my new favorite baby carrier.

In addition to her qualifying for the preemie program, she'll be evaluated at the hospital starting at 6 months adjusted age (she'll be 9 months at that time). They will follow her development until she's 3 years old. The theory is early intervention. It's really hard for me not to look for early signs myself. I just have to hope Ava will come out of this all just fine.

Next week is her eye exam. We went 2 weeks ago and her eyes are still on their way to be fully mature. I'm hoping this is the last visit and we can put that part behind us. It's difficult to get motivated and out the door for a 7:30 am appointment. It's even more difficult to watch her get her eyes dilated every 2 weeks, and then to be told they aren't quite there yet.

Another difficult thing for us has been nursing. I had high hopes that she would switch from the bottle to the breast, but who am I kidding? When we came home, we were sent with a 20 calorie formula to fortify the breast milk. This helps gain weight and adds some extra vitamins. I also supplement the breast milk with iron and a multi-vitamin. So really, nursing would have had to be a supplement. Well, besides the bottle being easier for her to take and less work, all the additives to the milk changes the flavor. Because she's not nursing, I'm exclusively pumping out the milk. My milk supply is showing the sings that my body isn't happy with this situation, so I've had to supplement my fresh milk with the frozen stockpile in order to keep up with Ava's demands. As much as it saddens me that she won't nurse, I'm not going to beat myself up about it or frustrate myself any more. It looks like sooner than later I'll be supplementing my milk with formula until I dry out completely. I do fear the wrath of the lactation consultant when she calls to check in on our progress, but so be it.

So that's the current happenings in Ava's world. If you've managed to stay awake through this update, kudos to you!

Cupcakes, anyone?

2011-01-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

Wheww, 2010 is o.v.e.r. What a crazy year. Here's to 2011.

Reclaiming Ava

2010-12-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I don't have to go on about how happy I am that Ava is home. I feel like a new mom again, finally. It's such a weird feeling to have your baby in the NICU and only get to spend a certain amount of time with her. Sure, you get to participate, but really it's the nurses that call the shots. I wouldn't say it's harder for a parent to already have a child that had a normal delivery, but in some ways you know what you are missing. I missed having her in my hospital room while we were both recovering from the traumatic experience of delivery. I missed that photo opportunity where Sophia comes to visit and gets to take a picture on the hospital bed snuggled up to her mom and new sister. I can go on about all that I missed, but one thing I did get--although delayed--was the wheelchair escort out to our car the day we brought her home. I don't know why this is such a big deal. The first time I saw a baby from the NICU go home and found out that the mom got the wheelchair ride out to the parking lot like all the other normal moms that get to take their baby home after a brief hospital stay, I got excited that I would have that experience. But that first time seeing those parents take their baby home from the NICU was rough for me. Each time got a little better. Each time I knew we were also closer to the door. When that day came, I was really overwhelmed with emotion. I could finally cry. I could let go.

So here we are. Ava is home. I thought I'd be freaked out not having the monitors tell me everything that was going on with her. But in reality, it's nice to have my instincts start to take over again. The first day of her home was filled with some doubt that I could really handle it. After her first few bottle feedings, I started feeling more confident in my ability. I had joked with the nurse when she took off the monitors and cut the hospital security bracelet off Ava that she initialized the "cry baby" feature because all of a sudden Ava started to cry. But it was really no joke. Ava cried the whole night through her first night home. But why wouldn't she? She went from a place that was always 75 degrees and 24/7 filled with lights and activity to a place that was lucky to get up to 68 degrees and the lights went off at night and the only noise heard was Rick and the dog taking turns snoring. So we got through the first night, and the next night got better. And Ava stopped feeling so foreign and more permanent in my arms. And she had her first bath to finally wash off any last bit of hospital smell. So here we are. Ava is home and she is ours for good.

Ava came home today

2010-12-22T19:44:00.001-08:00

Our "rent to own" baby is finally ours to take home! After lots of paperwork and lots of instructions, we left the NICU at 10:30 AM. More details later, but for now I'll just leave you with a picture of her.

Notice anything different?!?

2010-12-19T16:56:00.001-08:00

Her feeding tube is out! Apparently I had to write about my frustration in order to turn that corner. Doesn't she look happy? I sure am. So now she's onto the next stage of feeding where she's ad lib, meaning that she determines when she wants to eat and how much she wants to eat. You know, like a real baby does. The nurses told me they heard a rumor that she may be coming home before Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed!

Ready, set...stall

2010-12-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

No matter how many times a nurse has told me that the most frustrating part of the whole NICU experience will be waiting for Ava to get the feeding down, I brushed it off. Until now. Because here we are. And it's a painfully slow process. And I'm frustrated. The great news is that Ava is now 5 pounds and 13 ounces. She is obviously gaining weight. However, they have a system in place to teach premature babies how to breathe, suck and swallow at the same time. This comes naturally for full term babies, but not preemies.
Everything started out great, but during the week it seemed like Ava said enough was enough, and she tired out. It could also be that last week we seemed to have a lot going on in her world. She had her last heart echo, which showed that everything is functioning perfectly. She had her vaccines the next day, and usually that makes babies tired. And then she had her head ultrasound the following day, which showed no brain bleeds or cysts. All in all, very good progress and very good results. But it probably made her tired. And she needs energy to be able to take a bottle or to nurse. So while we were told that she may be able to come home for Christmas, she won't if she can't take at least 75% of all her bottle feedings in a 24 hour period. If they have to hook her up to the gavage feeding for the rest, the clock is reset and we start the whole process over. She's made it through 5 straight feedings without the need to gavage, but those last 3 feedings have been challenging. We've all given her pep talks, but I'm afraid it's going to happen on her own time. Until then, we are in a holding pattern.