And that's a wrap!

I've been trying to find time to write an end to this blog, something that would wrap up everything through the years. You know what? It's been daunting. My reasons for ending this are probably as scattered as this blog has been, so maybe it's fitting to wrap it up with odds and ends.
I had my yearly discussion with my OB a few weeks ago, and speaking of scattered, I have such a hard time just gathering my thoughts. We talked about peri-menopause, talked about getting restful sleep, the challenges of motherhood, the unanswered question of us being done with growing our family. It's a lot. Oh, did I mention we got a puppy? Yeah.
I can't believe I'm in a unique situation here; a transition from small babies to growing children that want to constantly be doing something. "What are we doing today?" Summer has been busy. Good busy...I'd say GREAT busy! It's so nice to be free of diaper bags and nap time and special snacks. We can mostly just pick up and go these days. I have been fully appreciating the Stay at Home title this summer. There have been many moments of realization: my girls are becoming independent and before long, they will not need me every second of the day. With their independence comes awareness that I am no longer relevant in the workforce. What do I do when they grow up? Do we try for another baby? Pros and cons? Eeeek. What are my hobbies? Long term goals?
Sophia is getting to the age where I feel like it's no longer appropriate to write about her. I feel protective of her in the sense that it isn't fair to have her stuff out there for everyone to see. Maybe not harmful, but potentially embarrassing? Ava isn't there yet, but she is right around the corner. My life is currently routine. The kids want very simple food these days, therefore putting any cooking creativity on hold. Sophia is in that stage where she doesn't want food mixed together, or to even be touching another item for that matter. What to write about, then?
If you stumbled upon my blog in search for answers to the twin pregnancy scenario, you'd probably realize how archaic my blog is. Have you seen these fancy blogs out there? It's an industry! They are incredible blogs that do what I could only wish to do...photography, crafts, recipes, kids activities, etc. Not that I could or would want to compete. I just don't have that motivation or drive, or hours of precious sleep to lose. At the same time, it makes me feel like I should either expand and clean it up, or move on. Seriously, do these people with these blogs ever sleep? If you are my family and personal friends, you pretty much know what's going on in my life with my photostream, sans long rambling rantings. You probably much prefer the photos! ;)
Making babies? Well, it's been a very public journey. And I have been more than willing to share for the sake of getting out all the info about miscarriage, and really just about any crazy f'd up pregnancy scenario one could go through. So even if we decide to expand our family, maybe the next journey could be a private one.
Thanks for coming along for the ride. Thanks to my family and friends for always being there, and thanks for the new friends I met along the way. I am still around to answer questions to anyone who finds my blog through researching. Just use the contact button. And if I happen to get motivated, or feel like I can offer something uniquely my own, that countless super awesome stay at home moms haven't already cornered the market on, maybe I'll be back and include a link to my next journey.
With love,
Cara

Frog serenade

I'm sure there was a collective sigh of relief as the rain started pouring down on us. This broke the scary dry and summer-like pattern that had us discussing whether to dig a well and brace for the inevitable drought. If you are religious, then all the prayers for rain and rain dancing were answered. Or maybe Puxatony Phil really can predict another 6 weeks of winter. However you look at it, we had a very wet weekend, and the frogs rejoiced. They rejoiced all night long. It won't be long before Sophia begins her incessant pleas to open up the frog habitat, i.e, our hot tub. Welcome rain, you have been missed. 

They say...

It's been awhile since I've focused on some things the girl's are saying now. This is probably one of the topics in my blog I look back on the most. It takes me to that moment of time, a snapshot into their brain. Ava really hadn't been saying much at all, so anything we could understand was a major accomplishment. Sophia was always saying things I needed to write down. Ava is starting to catch up now. Her recent one is, "You're hurting my brain mommy!" when I tell her something she doesn't want to hear. I imagine my saying, "You are giving me a headache" is her literal interpretation and appropriate response to what is giving her a hurt brain. The other day we were driving home from school, and Sophia's response to something I said was, "Oh, that is so inappropriate." I burst out laughing. It was as if my 5 year old was a tape recording, playing back something that comes directly out of my mouth. I have often heard Sophia or Ava say things that other family members say all the time, but rarely do they say things that come out of my mouth. Good thing I watch what I say!

Happy New Year 2014

I can't help but feel optimistic about this new year. I have always liked the number 14; it has a nice ring to it. Not that 2013 brought us any particular hardship. Reflecting back on the year, I would say there have been many joyous moments and triumphs along with the sorrows of loss and the frustrations of defeat. Maybe it just felt like a year that has the number 13 in it just didn't seem all that lucky. I was ready to say good-bye and move on to a shiny new year filled with possibilities.
True to the advertisements that bombard us with subliminal and not so subliminal messages of organization, I have began the process of tidying up around my chaotic home and my chaotic mind. This process is usually greeted by resistance and rolling eyes in my family. Ava has joined their team this year, adding "oh brother" when I get on my "I will throw it away if you do not pick your toys up this minute! How many times do I have to tell you to clean up?!" Yes, I realize how much I sound like a mother. I realize it the moment the words form in my head, flying out of my mouth without any capacity to hold them back. This is also around the time that Rick starts saying, "Yes dear, whatever you want dear." I get the sarcasm, but I like to pretend he actually means it, and it really does make me happy to hear these words. I won't pretend I don't have issues. So my motto of the month, because it is so retro and awesome, is "Cleanliness is next to godliness and tidiness is next to impossible." Anyone else remember this in the 80's? I think my mother had a magnet or maybe it was sign in the kitchen? Anyway, it seems appropriate while in the throes of project: organization.
2014 has already brought some big developments around here. Ava is potty trained. An accomplishment that was completed in all of 3 days! It feels good for both of us to get rid of all that bulk, and I've already got my mind working on what can take over the spot where the changing table and diaper bin have taken up real estate for the last 5 or so years. And because I clearly have the maternal need still brewing inside me, we are entertaining the idea of adding a new dog to our family. Both kids have been asking for a puppy. Rick has wanted one since Ruger died. I am warming up to it now that I don't have to change diapers. We shall see how it all unfolds. A year of possibilities. Happy 2014!

Gobble gobble

A happy Thanksgiving to all that are directly and indirectly a part of my life. Each year I am increasingly thankful for what we have and for those that offer such amazing support and love. And now a story about the turkeys that tried to ruin Thanksgiving...

We live in an area that wild turkey roam. We joke each year about making one a part of our feast. These groups can be as large as 25 hens with their toms and juniors in full strut twice daily making their way across our yard. It's quite a scene. Sometimes they get startled or thrown off track and flown into a panic, clumsily flapping into the nearest tree, rooftop, or fence. At 9:30 am, as I was just about to pop our 23 pound turkey into the oven, the power went out. For over an hour, we had the turkey on standby in the BBQ, crossing our fingers that our alternative cooking solution wouldn't last the entire process. Just after 10:30, I breathed a sigh of relief that our power returned. At 2:00, as family and friends started to arrive, one of our friends noted a huge gaggle of turkeys making their way up the road. "They got spooked and a few flew right into the power lines!" He exclaimed. Rick responds with, "we'll they aren't the smartest creatures." Fast forward to today when on the phone with my girlfriend that lives a few miles away, also hosting Thanksgiving that day. "Did your power go out?" I inquired. "Yes. And boy do I have a funny story about that..." She proceeds to tell me that as her husband was returning from getting their turkey, he witnessed a separate flock fly into some power lines, sparks flying. A few seconds later, no power. So he calls the electric company and proceeds to tell him he knows the location on the power failure and why, explaining that it's is really not a prank call. So I wonder, are those creatures really as dumb as we think? Maybe they had a plan on this day.

By the way, our turkey actually came out quite perfect, despite the initial change of course! Thankfully.

Transitional three

I am sitting outside of Ava's new class, trying to focus on something other than the sound of her intermittent crying bridged by whimpering. She started a new program, basically structured as a preschool with focus on speech and occupational therapy. This program doesn't allow parents to participate, which makes for a very unhappy girl. She tries to hold it together, likes the idea of going to school, but as we enter the double doors, she immediately starts to fall apart. I try to hold it together, say all the right things, but once she goes into class and the door shuts, I am exhausted. If she is like I was (she is) this could go on for awhile. We both want her old school structure back, but life is one transition to the next and that is that.

We are transitioning to 3. Even though it was Ava's birthday 2 weeks ago, she still tells you she is two and a half. I still feel like she is two and a half. I wonder if I will ever adjust to the fact that she really was born in October. Couldn't we pretend she wasn't a micro premie, that she was born in January? Couldn't we save October for sorrow and loss? I suppose one day, one year it will start to feel right. Will it? 

We had our traditional balloon remembrance on the girls birthday. We added one more this year because my grandpa Jack passed away that very day. 

What is also becoming a tradition is that Ava tends to get a severe cold around her birthday, and plans were again put in a holding pattern for her birthday celebration. Too many coincidences to not take notice. But we had a nice small celebration for Ava, more her style anyway. She's not a big fan of being around a lot of people, loud music, a lot of distractions. And that's OK, because it just doesn't seem fitting anyway. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

I thought I would share a few inspirational quotes that I often refer back to again and again:

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

― Haruki Murakami

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“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”

― Jeanette Winterson


Can you believe that 1:4 women suffer a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss? Today is October 15, a day to remember those that have lost hopes never to be fulfilled and dreams never to come true. I am taking part in a memorial tonight, where I plan on sharing some of my perspective, and to light a candle for our angels.