Reclaiming Ava

I'm sure I don't have to go on about how happy I am that Ava is home. I feel like a new mom again, finally. It's such a weird feeling to have your baby in the NICU and only get to spend a certain amount of time with her. Sure, you get to participate, but really it's the nurses that call the shots. I wouldn't say it's harder for a parent to already have a child that had a normal delivery, but in some ways you know what you are missing. I missed having her in my hospital room while we were both recovering from the traumatic experience of delivery. I missed that photo opportunity where Sophia comes to visit and gets to take a picture on the hospital bed snuggled up to her mom and new sister. I can go on about all that I missed, but one thing I did get--although delayed--was the wheelchair escort out to our car the day we brought her home. I don't know why this is such a big deal. The first time I saw a baby from the NICU go home and found out that the mom got the wheelchair ride out to the parking lot like all the other normal moms that get to take their baby home after a brief hospital stay, I got excited that I would have that experience. But that first time seeing those parents take their baby home from the NICU was rough for me. Each time got a little better. Each time I knew we were also closer to the door. When that day came, I was really overwhelmed with emotion. I could finally cry. I could let go.


So here we are. Ava is home. I thought I'd be freaked out not having the monitors tell me everything that was going on with her. But in reality, it's nice to have my instincts start to take over again. The first day of her home was filled with some doubt that I could really handle it. After her first few bottle feedings, I started feeling more confident in my ability. I had joked with the nurse when she took off the monitors and cut the hospital security bracelet off Ava that she initialized the "cry baby" feature because all of a sudden Ava started to cry. But it was really no joke. Ava cried the whole night through her first night home. But why wouldn't she? She went from a place that was always 75 degrees and 24/7 filled with lights and activity to a place that was lucky to get up to 68 degrees and the lights went off at night and the only noise heard was Rick and the dog taking turns snoring. So we got through the first night, and the next night got better. And Ava stopped feeling so foreign and more permanent in my arms. And she had her first bath to finally wash off any last bit of hospital smell. So here we are. Ava is home and she is ours for good.