It was one of those nights

I had a bad night the other night. It started around midnight, when both of my arms fell asleep while crossed under my pillow that my head was resting on. I was laying on my stomach, and couldn't turn over. I had to wake Rick for help. I can laugh about it now, but oh man was it scary. Once I gained full mobility of my arms and convinced myself I would not be one of those freak situations where I have to have both arms amputated, I dozed back to sleep. About an hour later, Sophia climbs into bed. She had already started out restless, so I anticipated her visit, but not quite so early. Her restlessness continued, and I soon felt feet digging into my neck. After an hour or so, Ava started crying. Lately Ava has been wetting through her diaper, PJs, and bedding. She is a side sleeper and I think the diaper just doesn't do its thing for side sleepers. She wakes up cold and wet and, being lazy in the middle of the night, I typically just deal with what's wet on her and bring her into our bed instead of changing her bedding. But with Sophia in our bed at that point, it was already pretty cozy. So I changed the bedding and brought her into bed just to get her settled back to sleep. When I picked her up to transfer her back to her bed, she wet again, this time getting our bedding wet. I threw a blanket down over the wet spot, got her cleaned up again, and snuggled her into our bed. Cozy as clams we were. Not. I could not get back to sleep.

I'm not good with the middle of the night thoughts. They are haunting. I haven't had to deal with middle of the night thoughts in a while, since Ava is such a star sleeper and no longer requires midnight feedings. However, on this night, those thoughts creep into my head.
Julia
My heart has such a big empty void where Julia should be. She should be waking me up too. She should be physically creating her own little chaos in my night of chaos and frustration. Instead the thought of her fills my mind of what could have been. And I know these are romantic notions, but I can't stop my mind from thinking them. One of the big things I need to get past is that there is no filling the void. With each miscarriage, although painful in so many ways, that void ended up being filled. I wouldn't have had Sophia if I didn't suffer through my first miscarriage. I wouldn't have had Ava if I didn't suffer through the others. But I would have had Julia, had she been able to make it. She was tangible; she was part of a package deal. She was real. I touched her. I held her in my arms. But I didn't get to keep her. And it haunts me. And it frustrates me, because I know she wouldn't have made it, had she survived until birth. But your mind doesn't like reason in the middle of the night. It likes romantic notions.

But then I finally fall asleep with my thoughts, and wake up to a new day. And things seem hopeful and much clearer. It's a bad time of year for me. This is the time when we were going back and forth to Cincinnati, to all the tests and big decisions. I can't believe it's been a whole year. We're working hard on a plan to honor Julia. I want her to be remembered, and I want to make it special. I know that I can't have her, but I can honor her and the meaning of her. I'll let you know when I get it all together.