Answering some questions

Everyone goes through grief differently, so how would anyone know what to say or do since it's such a personal thing? As for us right now, we are just trying to go about life as normal as possible for the sake of Sophia, for our own sanity, and for baby A who doesn't need additional stress on her growing body if I completely lose it. To be honest, everything still feels like I'm carrying twins. My belly is huge, I'm uncomfortable, Sophia talks about her sisters and my belly getting bigger, random strangers make comments about how I look like I'm going to give birth any minute. And I haven't adjusted my comments to Sophia or these strangers. I'm not sure what to say to Sophia right now, so I'll let her go on talking and then hopefully at the end of the day she'll have no questions about anything. As for strangers, I think I'll probably just smile and say, "yeah, any minute now" and move on. As for what people will say once news travels, I'm anticipating some unintentionally hurtful things such as "it was meant to be, you should be grateful you still have one baby, it is God's will, it's probably for the best, at least she's not suffering, at least she doesn't have to suffer through birth, or describe someone they know who had it worse, etc." Just an "I'm sorry, let me know if I can help, you guys are in my thoughts, and an acknowledgement that Julia Bea is real and meaningful" to us is all helpful and comforting.

So what can you do to help? Nothing. A phone call or an email is comforting. Don't be upset if it's an off day and I don't respond, just knowing you care means everything to us. Please don't avoid us, that's isolating in itself. Anything else to acknowledge Julia's death is uncomfortable for me (us) at this point because we really can't start the grieving process, and it just opens up more questions for Sophia because she's so curious and so observant. I think (I know) it'll hit once I've delivered these girls. There are still so many unknowns as to the outcome of things so I'd rather just try to keep in a state of denial and get through the next month or two (or three), however it goes.

What happens to Julia Bea now that she's passed? Well, she stays put and keeps her sister company for the remainder of the pregnancy. Until delivery, we won't get to meet either of our girls. I had a follow up ultrasound the following day of finding out she had passed, and so far the blood flow from the placenta and all other things look great for baby A. She's not acting or looking like there's any stress of her sister passing. Rick and I have started the discussion of honoring Julia once she's born but that's in the future and something we'll hold off on until we have more clarity.

Can anything happen now that Julia's passed? Yes, and I'll be monitored closely for at least the next two weeks to see how things are going. Since no one really knows how things will turn out given this unique situation, my Dr. wants to just take things one week at a time. A few things can happen: I can go into pre term labor, I can get an infection, baby A can also pass away for whatever unforeseen issues with the connection through the placenta, or things can go relatively normal and I can end up having a perfectly healthy baby A. We're still looking at a 20% chance that baby A may have some neurological issues due to Julia's passing, because depending on the share of the placenta, blood clots can form in Julia after death that pass through the placenta and into baby A's system. This usually results in a stroke or seizure which then leads to possible brain defects. But we aren't there yet, and there are no signs during follow up that any of this has occurred. I was told it usually takes place immediately, within the first hours of the co-twin's death. Although the ultrasound can't pick up the minor details of the brain, there are a few indicators such as brain swelling and such that may indicate some problems. Baby A didn't show any of these signs with the follow up ultrasound. An MRI may be able to pick up better detail, but what's the point? We're in this for the long haul with baby A and can only hope she fairs well through it all. That's one of my biggest fears at this point, but I have to keep the faith.

Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for just calling or sending a note and saying you don't know what to say. I totally get that. I don't know what to say either. I do know we'll get through this, whatever the outcome at the end of this journey. I am grateful to have the distraction of Sophia, the strength from Rick, and the support from my family and friends. I can't imagine going through this alone, and I haven't had to. You've been with us all the way.