It's starting

I've swallowed down the tears for five months now. Things are starting to unravel. I should welcome this part of the process, but I continue to try to push it into the back of my mind. Unfortunately, my mind is fighting back now and it's decided to take sides with my heart.

I should explain my delayed grief a little. I realize that I was masking it. At first I told myself I could start to grieve once Ava got to a place where I could let down that wall. Well, she's clearly making up for her situation in leaps and bounds. In addition to Ava's health, I've been in a five month struggle to get the pictures from the photographer taken on the day Ava and Julia were born. I could go into the long drawn out process, but at the end of the day I just need to let it go. And I finally received the pictures the other day. Then like a very tightly wound rope, I just snapped. I don't have a cause to fight for or to be strong for anymore. I have a healthy and mentally thriving Ava and I have the pictures in my possession. I haven't snapped into a depression or any kind of behavior that should be alarming. I'm aware of my responsibilities and how my actions may affect Sophia. But in the middle of the night or the rare occasion that I am able to shower for more than 5 minutes, when it's just me and my thoughts, I am raw and I can't stop reliving everything. So tomorrow I will celebrate five months of Ava, but tonight I will mourn the loss of Julia and I will mourn Ava's struggles as she was forced into this world.

Ava, the first hours of life

Julia's perfect foot