Giving thanks

I could probably copy and paste what I wrote last year with a few additions and notations. I find that this time of year may be more difficult than last year. Last year I was still riding high on adrenaline, hormones, and sheer will to survive the whole chaos of Ava in the NICU and my Mom's ailments and hospital stay. We were sure a messed up sort. So many parts of this time last year are a blur, or lost completely. We somehow managed to drive up to my Mom's before her surgery to celebrate an early Thanksgiving dinner, unsure if that would literally be her last meal or if she would be able to avoid the colostomy. Everything I did was centered around visits to Ava at the NICU, a constant feeling of being pulled in the wrong direction, needing to be with Ava and needing to be with Sophia, not being able to place myself in two places at the same time (or 3 places, when I nervously waited for a phone call to find out how my Mom's surgery went).
Thank goodness for pictures of Sophia, or this last year would have felt like I completely missed how quickly her hair grew, how her faced thinned out from toddler to preschooler. I get angry that almost an entire year feels robbed of enjoying Sophia grow during that time. And then I get angry at myself for feeling that way, because it all could have been worse. And I remind myself how thankful I truly am for all of the support we had, the people that helped with Sophia so that I could spend time with Ava, to heal from surgery, to just focus on what had to be done then.
It may be awhile before I get around to individually thanking everyone for their donations to Cincinnati Children's hospital. I want to properly thank everyone, and while the holidays are so busy I am afraid it may get lost in the shuffle. So this is my temporary place card to you. And while I was focused of the memory of Julia, some of you reminded me that Ava is to be honored, too. It was a delightful surprise to read those donations in Ava's name as well. She is such an honor to all of us. Her spirit is so big, it feels like it's just bursting out of her in the form of determination and will (my aching back and toned biceps are proof to it).
A big THANK YOU for all of your continued support, and for sharing this journey with me.