My unaccommodating uterus

Surprise! I was pregnant. Surprise! I had a miscarriage. Again. "Wait, huh?" you might be thinking. Well, we weren't really planning anything this time around. It kind of just happened, which was the super exciting, let's-not-get-our-hopes-up-but-oh-my-gosh-this-is-how-normal-people-get-pregnant, kind of feeling. And just as my pee was drying on the home pregnancy test (sorry, too much information?), I started to spot and spotting turned into full blown bleeding. And there you have it, add "chemical pregnancy" to my list of pregnancy failures.
That was the short of it. Now let me draw it out in the full winded fashion I am accustomed to writing. It all started on date night...just kidding, you aren't getting all the details. So fast forward to some random mid-cycle spotting a week after said date night. Mid-cycle spotting happens sometimes, but this was timed with what could be implantation, and also timed with what could have been ovulation. My (apparently inaccurate family planning app...yes there is an app for that, gotta love modern technology) predicted ovulation a few days prior to date night. No, I'm not in high school, and yes Rick and I have talked about adding to our family, but it's been mainly one-sided. Rick is Mr. Eager and I am, well, not so sure. But throwing caution to the wind in a whatever happens, happens kind of moment, I knew timing could work out for us. Clearly I was all Pollyanna in my happy go lucky (unlucky?) state, not even taking into consideration that these decisions should probably be made with a team of specialists, a conference room, and analysts. Seriously, can't a girl just get knocked up, have a wonderfully naive 9 months of the only drama being in what to name the baby, and then seamlessly there is now a new baby to add to the family? One could wish, if that person were not me. Or Rick. Poor guy, he consoled me with, "I guess you have my luck."
Anyway, after some spotting I kind of forgot about the possibility of being pregnant. Until weird dreams, flaming boobs, and random appetite kicked in pretty quickly. And then I knew I was pregnant before I even took a test. So I waited to take a test. Partly because my superstition told me that if I confirmed it, bad things would happen. Partly because I was scared that we might really be pregnant. And partly because I wanted to chill out and stay zen. If I were pregnant, cool. If not, oh well. That was actually the dominating part--stay zen. But then that night we were going to my in-laws for dinner in which my sister in-law hinted that she got some fabulous wine. Being that her and I are the only wine drinkers in the family, I figured I better pull down my big girl panties and buck up. As much as I wanted to stay zen, I will not drink with the possibility of a growing little embryo with piss poor odds as it is. And that's when I got the double line glaring at me with absolute certainty that I was pregnant. Yes, I have pregnancy tests in stock. Is that weird?
So I walked (or floated, in zombie like state) to Rick with pregnancy test in hand and told him. I then I had the craziest rush of emotions. I was laughing, crying, blubbering one minute, then staring out the window in catatonic state the next. It would have been pretty awesome to have a time lapse video of it all. And Rick was confused. Not by my emotions, I think he was probably a bit scared of that. He was confused by the events and how it all went down. I get it, there were no ovulation predictor kits, no "I'm ovulating, let's go" and no lengthy discussions on trying to conceive. But what I don't understand is how men just don't get how conception takes place. Dude, this has happened, what, 9 times now? Then I started calling it the Miraculous Conception, because it all happened just so easy. And we mused that maybe this is a sign that it could be easy. But we quickly realized this is us, it is never easy.
I was spotting a little that day, but that's been pretty common with my history. And then the next day I knew it was doomed for us. Now it's really time for us to figure out what our next steps are. It probably seems a bit crazy that we are having this scenario play out. I am still on the fence about adding to our family. I don't want to jeopardize anything with the girls we have, and who knows what a pregnancy really will hold for us. On the other hand, I really got used to the idea of raising 3 kids when we were pulling for Julia to make it. So instead of a baby this time, we will need to do some serious soul searching to figure out what to do next.
By the way, if you know me "in real life" and are reading this, nobody really knows about this pregnancy, and I'm cool with that. It gets a little messy having to explain things. I know this is a public blog and all but mainly for Rick's sake let's keep this between me and you, OK?

Spring creatures

The last few days the weather has been perfect. We've been spending a lot of time outside. Sophia is very excited to welcome the creatures out from hiding.

Kindergarten confirmed

A decision has finally been made about Kindergarten. Amen. And apparently there will be a lot of "amen" in our future. :)