Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

October 15 marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Last year many friends and family supported our cause to the Cincinnati Fetal Care Center in honor and remembrance of Julia. We were overwhelmed by the love and support. There are many great organizations at your local Children's hospitals and even the well known March of Dimes that works to prevent birth defects and infant mortality.

Over two years ago we found out we were having identical twins. We were faced with impossible decisions that made us question our morals and our faith. I went from trying to detach from a seemingly doomed pregnancy, to giving all my heart and soul to bring these two girls into the world.
Almost two years ago we said good-bye to Julia and welcomed Ava into the world. I would not say it's gotten easier over time. It's a daily battle of mind over matter. I think of how things were supposed to be and tell myself that if they were supposed to be then they would have been. It's a hard lesson to learn that there is just no making sense of some things. I replay the precious moments we had with Julia over and over, and yes, I fantasize that things went differently. I wish I spent more time with her, wish I would not have had the photographer in the room "making memories" but instead focused on leaving that imprint on my heart and mind.

There are some things I can handle better this year than last year. I do not feel a stab of pain when I hear about anything related to identical twins. That was a tough one, given that my best friends are identical twins. I've learned to censor myself when it comes to talking about Julia to complete strangers, and even to people that know what we went through. It is unfair to them and unfair to me. I still get choked up. A lot. I get sidelined by a grief so intense that it takes my breath away. I look at Ava every single day and wonder how this has already shaped her--I believe Julia was the water to Ava's fire--and how it will shape her future when she hears the story one day. I believe Julia hung on just long enough so that Ava could survive.

I am determined to make this a survival story and not one of victims. We are stronger in our marriage and we are stronger in our love for what we have. We believe in miracles, even though sometimes it's not the complete miracle we asked for.

Taken last year. A new tradition of releasing a balloon in honor of Julia on their birthday