My 5 year old

My dear Sophia, when did you get to be such a big girl? You are smarter than your age. You amaze me with all that strategizing going on in your brain. Always thinking, always finding an angle. It's both awesome and frustrating. Try being on the other end of your thought process, sometimes you are one step ahead of me and I fall into your trap. There I am dishing out ice cream before I even knew how I got there.

I see you at 5, and wonder how I am going to keep up with you in the years to come. When you set your mind to do something, it will be done. And even though you are not limber, oh man, you are not limber--you are a natural at all the sports you try. I guess you got both traits from your dad.

I love your enthusiasm about trying new things. Fearless. There is no doubt in your mind about your ability to conquer what you set out to do. How do you know how to do that? You saw it on TV or you had a dream you were doing it once, you say. I hope this mind of your own continues through that awful age of peer pressure. I hope your persistence isn't dampened by fears of doubt one day. You are so outgoing and extroverted, the life of the party! Grab the hand of a stranger and ask them to play or join you on some adventure. Always waving at a kid your age, looking for friends to make.

One day you want to put on your dress and sparkly shoes and have your nails painted. The next day you are in your muddy boots rescuing all the snails from the hot rays of sun, digging up earth worms and charming frogs into your welcoming hand. I love that you can be a girly girl and tom boy interchangeably.

You are daddy's girl, always wanting to be where he is and doing what he is doing. Working side by side when he is looking at engineering plans, while you map out the way it should look with your paper and colored pencils.

You know more than you let on, Sophia. We caught you the other day, when we were talking about going somewhere and you said, "Don't let A-v-a hear you!" How much more have you figured out to spell in our secret language? Although I do notice your legs getting longer and your chubby cheeks thinning out, you are still my baby girl. Enjoy being 5, sweetheart.

Ruminating

I wonder sometimes if it is possible to stop thinking. I have a hard time shutting down my brain. I constantly think, problem solve, or come up with new problems so I can solve those. I over analyze pretty much everything. Too much time in my head is unhealthy. When some thinking goes around and around, without clear results, I write it down somewhere, typically this blog. And I let those thoughts sit, outside of my head. A lot of times it releases some or all of the burden and with tricky problems, literally seeing it in black and white makes the solution seem just like that, black and white. I've been giving way too much thought about this last miscarriage. Not so much as to why it happened. Clearly we've been down that road, so unless there is new testing available, been there done that. But I've been thinking about how I feel. Why am I still so 50/50 about it all? Should it bother me more or less? That might give me some clue to growing our family. We have a big elephant hanging out in our house that we have yet to address. Do we try for another kid or close down shop? This is rhetorical, I am not asking the internet or putting up a poll for such a deeply personal question. And honestly, I don't want to hear the answer from anyone except Rick. And given some of our starts and the conversation, I think he's as confused about what to do next as I am.

I had to read my last post again, to see if things are any clearer now that they are in black and white, removed from my brain. Words I can look at and read as if it were someone else's story. And still I don't get any closer to sorting it out. Time is not on our side. We are way past our prime in baby making, so it's not smart to add old age to the equation of things that could complicate a pregnancy. I hope things will start to become clearer soon.