Ruminating

I wonder sometimes if it is possible to stop thinking. I have a hard time shutting down my brain. I constantly think, problem solve, or come up with new problems so I can solve those. I over analyze pretty much everything. Too much time in my head is unhealthy. When some thinking goes around and around, without clear results, I write it down somewhere, typically this blog. And I let those thoughts sit, outside of my head. A lot of times it releases some or all of the burden and with tricky problems, literally seeing it in black and white makes the solution seem just like that, black and white. I've been giving way too much thought about this last miscarriage. Not so much as to why it happened. Clearly we've been down that road, so unless there is new testing available, been there done that. But I've been thinking about how I feel. Why am I still so 50/50 about it all? Should it bother me more or less? That might give me some clue to growing our family. We have a big elephant hanging out in our house that we have yet to address. Do we try for another kid or close down shop? This is rhetorical, I am not asking the internet or putting up a poll for such a deeply personal question. And honestly, I don't want to hear the answer from anyone except Rick. And given some of our starts and the conversation, I think he's as confused about what to do next as I am.

I had to read my last post again, to see if things are any clearer now that they are in black and white, removed from my brain. Words I can look at and read as if it were someone else's story. And still I don't get any closer to sorting it out. Time is not on our side. We are way past our prime in baby making, so it's not smart to add old age to the equation of things that could complicate a pregnancy. I hope things will start to become clearer soon.