My love/hate relationship with autumn

The other night I could smell fall coming in. The cool crisp air with a hint of smoke and wet earth was welcoming and painful. I have always loved this time of year. This is usually the time we have the mildest weather and the warmest days. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving. I look forward to layering long sleeves on top of tank tops, trading in my flip flops for boots. So it's ironic that most of my miscarriages and the loss of Julia would also happen during this season. I've come to accept that I am going to be more pensive during this time of year. I have also increased my realization in the importance of counting my blessings and being thankful for what we do have.

Ava had her annual NICU reunion party at the hospital this last weekend. It was the first year that she was aware of the reason for the party. Sophia started the conversation the night before, and Ava wanted to know what she looked like when she was born. Rick asked me to get some pictures to show her. Seemed like a simple enough request, but the weight of it all hit me hard. Which pictures do I show her? Why hadn't I made her a book like I had when Sophia was born? Why, almost three years later, can't I figure out the right things to do or say? Sophia followed me into our bedroom where I still have Ava and Julia's birth pictures in a memory box on top of my dresser. I quickly plucked out a few for them to look at, while trying to suppress the other feelings brewing up over Julia. We looked at Ava's pictures as a family, Rick explaining all the tubes and lines and wires that encircled Ava in the pictures. We tried to explain why Ava had to stay so long, and how tiny she was when she was born. We tried to explain the difference in her birth and Sophia's birth. And at that point I realized that this process was going to always be evolving. The story will be crafted according to how old the kids are and what they can process. One day I will have those answers I am looking for and it will just come to me instead of struggling for the words.