NICU reunion

We had Ava's NICU reunion last week. The hospital hosts a party every year for the graduates of the NICU since it's inception. That's 20 some years of graduates, which amounted to about 450 people attending this year. Needless to say it was a little overwhelming for Ava and I, for different reasons--overstimulating for Ava, emotional for me. Sophia had a blast; it was a Curious George theme, and that girl loves Curious George. The Man in the Yellow Hat was actually a woman, which was pretty curious (and pretty confusing to Sophia who pays attention to detail).

I was already emotional going into this whole event. It was the first time we had been back to the hospital since Ava was sent home. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I really wasn't sure why we were going. Closure? To show Ava off to the nurses and doctors for a pat on the back of some sort, maybe validation? To tell the "Barbara Walters" of the NICU Social Worker that I did in fact break down after all and I wasn't the cold hearted bitch that she thought I was? Maybe all of the above. What I realized is that while everyone was joyful and hugging and talking about how well their kids were, I was fighting back tears, feeling completely disconnected, with this really silly smile on my face to try to make it seem like I was alright. And maybe this exact behavior is how I got myself into the emotional mess I was feeling then and there.

I talked to a couple that were in the NICU with their twins while Ava was in there. The mother said she was also a little emotional that morning, so happy that they were at a great place after the scary NICU experience. I couldn't take my eyes of the twins. And this is probably why I felt disconnected. There were a ton of twins in the NICU during our stay. I had a lot of resentment for that. And really, I have so many mixed emotions about the entire stay in the NICU that I just can't go there. So basically just scratching the surface here, I wonder how my experience would have been different had I allowed myself to FEEL during that time. I did go up to the social worker and tell her that I had a bit of an emotional breakdown a few months ago and I'm forever changed. And she was the one who made the "glad you aren't a cold hearted bitch" statement which wasn't exactly an appropriate response in my opinion.

The reality of it all is that I can't go back to that time and ask for a do-over. Would I really want to anyway? And for who would I be doing this? And who is to say that my handling of things wasn't right at the time? Wasn't it right for me, for Sophia, for Ava, for Rick and my family as a whole? Who would it have benefited breaking down and falling apart? Possibly the social worker, but why do I care so much about other people and what they think? My only conclusion and takeaway from this is that usually a family is dealing with the reality of a sick baby in the NICU. I was dealing with a sick baby and the death of a baby.


I'm not trying to say that my pain was greater or that I should have any more right than these other families, it's just that I can't truly relate to these families that were there. So my experience really was sort of a lonely one. The one woman I was hoping would be there wasn't. She had a similar experience of losing her twin while the other was forced into the world. I think about how she is doing, but I don't know if I would have actively pursued a friendship out of our bond. It seems too painful now. I was just disappointed that she wasn't there to ask if she's feeling similar things. Maybe it's for the best. So next year? One of the nurses told me that most people come the first year and then drop off until their kids are old enough to want to participate. And I think that will probably be us, if Ava shows interest down the road.